Presents are interesting to think about. It’s an exchange of a physical item as to say, “I value you.” And don’t get me wrong - they can be fun, and informative about a person or relationship. I’ve historically been someone that puts time into thinking about the right gifts for specific people. That goes back to sewing pajama pants and blankets in high school to custom gifts for friends and family to (as I’ve been older) niche food or experiences I know the person will enjoy. I have spent upwards of a year carefully preparing (what I deem to be) highly meaningful gifts. Experiential gifts are also a lot of fun, especially for a group (e.g., a pinata or food item to enjoy together). The exception to that are things that the person really wants or needs, which is something else you can do well when you know someone well. Receiving a gift of something you really like (and will use) that you maybe would not get yourself is the sweet spot (e.g., high end chocolate).
Where it starts to go wrong is expectation. When birthdays or holidays roll around and you are expected to send a gift, what do you do if it isn’t in your heart? What do you do if there isn’t anything the person needs, or if you just don’t feel like it? There is too much expectation that is created by advertisement and a generally consumerist society. It starts to feel badly to feel trapped into having to send something. It feels equally bad to receive something that you feel was forced or actually indicates that the person doesn’t know you at all. And let’s take this a step further. Gift giving, if normally done, when withheld, turns into a pathological means to express a lack of approval. The quality or quantity becomes a point of comparison, and I’m guilty of making this comparison and feeling like I wasn’t valued quite as much.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized something important. The most meaningful gift that someone can give me is their time. Time is limited, and precious. It reflects intellectual curiosity, openness to experience, and choice. Two people choosing to share time is a mutual desire and not an obligation. There is no need to assert value with words, because it is shown through action. There is a mutual shared value of conversation, which typically comes down to emotional and/or intellectual connection. I know I’m valued not because I receive an obligatory present in the mail, but because I just spent many hours with someone engaged with me, laughing, and my internal cup of connection is overflowing.
I will still enjoy (and give) presents, but I no longer feel an obligation. And I’m also investing more in myself, both in terms of self-care and tangible items. My cup has overflowed this year, and I’m grateful to all the people that have been a part of that. That said, when you receive a present from me, know that it comes from my heart. When you spend time with me, you probably already knew that. ❤️
You may also have noticed that I have not written as much this year. The reason is because the year has been too rich to want to spend the time. I am finding that my adventures, whether they be to new cities, intellectual dives into ideas with colleagues, balanced rest, or to scale a mountain with my best friend, are how I want to spend the time. I am branching out, taking care of myself, and expanding my world in ways I never did before, and possibly a lot of the ideas that wound up in writing here are being spoken in a much more engaged context. It was a year of adventure, learning, and growth. On to another in 2026! 🥳
Suggested Citation:
Sochat, Vanessa. "Gifts." @vsoch (blog), 22 Dec 2025, https://vsoch.github.io/2025/gifts/ (accessed 23 Dec 25).