vsoch

Brain Burp

In three days I will graduate, and in three days I will probably be seeing a lot of people for the last time, at least as familiar friends… because the next time will most likely be for a quick moment at some future reunion, and it won’t really be the same. That is the nature of life. In that mindset, I’d like to say some final things. I ‘m a lot more articulate with key than with word, making this note my expression of choice. Here goes.

My time here has ended wonderfully, been challenging at times, and I am most grateful for the things that I have learned about myself, and the questions that this environment elicited in me that might still need answers. I came here as a sophomore knowing absolutely no one, a large feat given the size and plastic-wrapped nature of this institution. I’ve many a times said that, in retrospect, I would not have transferred, and from an academic standpoint and examination of the large social structure, perhaps this is true. But when I zoom in to the people that I have come to care about here, I am certain that coming here has only broadened and enlivened my life.

I am grateful for the people that have made my experience very rich, the professors that have challenged me, and the few that were there for me during some of the harder times. My early to bed – early to rise and tendency to be introverted make me a more challenging friend to keep, and I am so grateful to you guys that consistently poked me to keep the connection strong.

To all of my friends: When I think back to my time at Duke, I’m going to remember Sitar Sundays, Crowell being the best and baddest dorm with a pimp RA crew, the many times I wrinkled my nose or teared from laughing so hard, baking like a wild woman at Smart Home, and all seemingly insignificant number of times that we ate out and bonded over chicken, awkward waiters, and discussion about… oh you know 😛

Memories are of a nature that they don’t store in complete sentences or images, so that is how I will share them, in a mental burp, one thing leading to the next. I’ll probably add to this as I think of good memories, but here is a start.

1) TWINS!!! First gergz and BG, and now Ravi and Jayson backpack twins.
2) The Grants… potench. potench.
3) Ravi’s sweet-ass car… (or might I say, sweet ass-car, hehe), many walks to and from the Blue Zone, somehow getting 4 people across the backseat and to the destination like cozy sardines.
4) Gergz magoo and his love of shredded wheat. 2nd dinner, 3rd dinner, you know.. shooshoopeedoo!
5) Bryan and Gergz monopolizing the name game with characters from Bleach… yeaaah!
6) How everyone always got rotisserie chicken with two sides, and Greg scammed them to get an extra one, and I never could do it.
7) Rhut’s awesomely dry and direct sense of humor, and thanks for giving me proper instructions about crossing my legs when I’m wearing a dress, hehe.
8) Bryan flexing at the most unexpected, and completely funny times with appropriate facial expressions
9) Andy, Lo Lo!
10) Class with Ken, BG, and Z Spring of sophomore year, making little cute Flash videos and finding excuses to watch random stuff on YouTube in class. Nice!
11) FAAIL! WIN!
12) CanIhaveitCanIhaveit?
13) My one crazy dance night at Parizade – I might never be able to stay up that late again, but man, that was fun.
14) Phil doing the night elf dance on top of the arts warehouse, ftw!
15) Niiiiiice!
16) Sash, Phil, and Raffi, we had some amazing times in ISIS, like, everyday was awesome! Ghost ride tha whip, yo!
17) Z – Sapachi! I’ll just say it… we were badass! And it was really fun. I’m really excited for you about that company you will be working for… their logo is incredibly cute, and on that observation alone I think it’s going to be a hit!
18) Link! Ravi, the few times that I went to the link to join you studying. It was a push for me, because libraries are frightening, but I got to see your determination and work ethic. I’m never going to forget Plowbear, or how easily you laughed and made everyone feel good. I really look up to you for your ability to find balance.
19) Congyi, creme brulee. and FIRE!
20) Mark, Rui, and Mia… and the amazing 3 day video project-that-probably-needed-3-months, and we still rocked it.
21) Thanksgiving at Smart Home, best of my life! PIE DAY! and Salssaaaa!
22) Disney movies, Scrubs, and thai food with Preeyanka and Jo, and cooking to music and not being afraid to belt it out!
23) Ying-ying always finding time to join the crew, and I will be forever grateful for letting me borrow those dresses!
24) Threadless T-shirts, Fail blog, TED talks, and thisiswhyyourfat blog rock my world.
25) Life conversations with Percy while I pedaled and talked away, making him yet again late for swim class.
26) Duck sauce from Panda Express, ty Jason for bringing me it special! And thank you for always giving me a call to grab dinner, and pushing me to leave my little introverted shell to have some amazing experience I wouldn’t have otherwise had! You’ve been a great friend, you’re a great listener, and you’re going to be an exceptional doctor!
27) My birthday celebration at the Loop, surrounded by good friends
28) The infamous walk back from central the night of parizade, coming up with clever phrases for the YouTube video… “my $#%@, variet-ee bucket… your @#%#, chick-en nugget!”
29) Bryan’s big stomach, and that turd waiter that stole my dinner. Z, thanks for standing up for me!
30) Gingerbread house making event. Megan, your house was lovely. Jason made a tower that looked like it came from a five year old, and Mark and Tim went for the train that looked like a phallic symbol, hehe
31) How no matter where we go, Torero’s always wins.
32) Dayo I’m-a-big-boy!!! getting surprised to run into you at Brugger’s and having good conversation that always brightened my day before class!
33) Ravi’s super room fan, ftw!
34) Andy’s sweet apartment for hosting dinners… with lasagna and pancakes. I’ve never seen such a large bag of pancake mix.
35) The passing of the RA room from Sarah to Jason, and how my first room in Crowell when they moved me there Spring of sophomore year used to be the empty hankypanky room. haha.
36) Mario Kart and Ping Pong at Rhut, BG, Matt, and Z’s house.
37) Cereal with Kiril, always fantastic. Kiril, you put so much energy into us, and deserved so much more than a cake! You are the BEST GR on campus, hands down!
38) The wine tasting… hehe.
39) Jason telling Ravi he has beautiful eyes, and Ravi saying “shh not here!”
40) The back of yo’ head is ridikulus
41) Trevor and Menelik’s hot wing challenge at Chai’s. That… was… sticky!
42) Dinner and pool with Matt’s family… Matt, I love your family! And always feeling like I was in my family’s car when we cruised in the Sienna van.
43) Steph! All the times you visited were fun, hello kitty and culinary appreciation ftw!
44) LEMUR CENTER!
45) Yod 😛

100 Things, some which you might know about me :)

I just finished not one, not two, but THREE philosophy papers, and before delving into hours of studying, I want to indulge in this little personal ditty 😀

100 Things You Might Not Know About Me…

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
   My most interesting scars are from big surgeries. If you see the location, you’ll know the surgery… hard to get around that.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
   Blown up pictures of friends, a la e-print and an app from Jayzoo

3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
   Oh man, I talk sometimes, and I kick, and I twitch

4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
   Alternative

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
   Nope

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
   To get my exam tomorrow night over with, and be done with college

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
   Affection

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
   I am pretty territorial about my obama top, but in terms of prized possession, probably my sneakers.

9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
   5’7′, probably a little taller with shoes

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
    Not really

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
    I prefer falling asleep in complete darkness. I used to be afraid of a toe biting monster when I was a kid, but the solution to that fear isn’t light… rather a securely tucked blanket.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
    Well, my friend made me cry, because I was laughing so hard

13. WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR?
    Drowning under ice in a lake… shudder

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
    Oh that’s so easy. Dark dark dark dark. Not even dark brown, closer to black, or so dark brown it looks black.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING?
    Hopefully I won’t have to figure this out 😛

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
    Coffee of course!

17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
    Caramelized onions

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
    Edamame!

19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
    Red

20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
    Are you kidding? That’s gross!

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU’VE EVER RECEIVED?
    Ohhh, dear… a meaningful gift? Probably a bracelet from my aunt at my high school graduation that said something to the effect of “Life isn’t a destination, it’s a journey.”

22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
    Always.

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
    No, and indifferent to not being so.

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
    Clothing brand? Hmm, I do have a nice collection of Nike things from over the years, so Nike.

25. WHO IS YOUR FAV MALE CELEBRITY?
    Haha, Chef Gordon Ramsey, how he elicits fear in his contestants hearts, but means well

26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
    No, not at school.

27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
    N/A

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING
    I was under the impression that falling in love isn’t under your control?

29. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
    Thirteen

30. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
    Neither, black hair please.

31. FAVORITE QUOTE?
    Something I posted recently… You are either good, trying to get good, or you’ve given up. I guess it’s not really a quote, more an idea.

32. FAVORITE PLACE?
    The forest

33. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
    Yes, I’ve traveled to the Dominican Republic

34. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
    I set expectations that can be both too high for my own good, and for others as well. My perfectionism and sense of time urgency is probably sometimes a strength, and sometimes a pretty bad quality to have.

35. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
    I saw Q from Star Trek in a book store when I was in high school. He looked really old.

36. FIRST JOB?
    Ice cream scooper! So much fun

37. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
    Actually, I have… in the 3rd grade my friend and I called a completely random number, said something silly, and hung up.

38. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOULMATE?
    I’m not sure, and I don’t have any base for evaluating that claim

39. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
    Finishing up philosophy essays about Dennett’s “Where Am I” (personal identity), Jackson’s “knowledge argument,” for qualia, and how the physicalist explains (or can’t explain) how the brain has original intentionality.

40. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
    Oh hell yes, I’m a pro.

41. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
    Probably the isha necklace that I always wear

42. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
    Never

43. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
    Hmm, a good dinner and dessert with friends / family

44. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
    I don’t think I want any kids, they seem pretty annoying

45. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
    Yes, and I think I’ve answered this before… a baby my parents were going to adopt before me, her name was Vanessa

46. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
    whatever qualities define a jocky “i’m so cool” guy – your stereotypical frat boy or lacrosse player.

47. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKE(D) ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
    Cross country co-ed team!

48. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
    Pantene Pro-V works best, but I usually use whatever I run into first at the store that has a cool bottle.

49. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
    It’s alright, I don’t write very much anymore… mostly type

50. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
    Probably turkey… although I’m generally not an avid consumer of lunch meat. It’s slimy.

51. ANY BAD HABITS?
    Yeah, I always give myself hang nails. And it seems to be in an effort to get rid of them. Silly girl.

52. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
    I think if I were in a relationship and there were other girls hanging around, I could be jealous, but it wouldn’t last long because I would act on it. In terms of other girls? No, I’ve never been aware of another girl having a quality or looking in a way that I’d want to have/look.

53. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
    No, probably not. I’ve answered this question as well… I’m way too introverted.

54. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
    Just thinking about being physical with someone in absence of any emotional connection makes me sick to my stomach. Not only do I disagree, I am repulsed by the idea.

55. DO LOOKS MATTER?
    They always do.

56. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
    I feel anxiety mostly as my negative emotion, and I deal with that by running. I wish I could sleep it off, but it tends to make me sleep less.

58.WOULD YOU RATHER GAIN 58 POUNDS OR LOSE 58 POUNDS.
Oh god, I don’t think I’d be alive if I lost 58 pounds, but I don’t want to gain that much either, that wouldn’t be healthy.

1. WHAT’S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE?
   To get through it in a way that feels good?

2. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
   First brio and lego, then Sega Genesis with my brother

3. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
   Maybe…. 50?

62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
No, wrong generation.

1. Do you use sarcasm?
   Yes… sometimes I go over the line too

2. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
   Mashed potatoes, but made by my mom… the real thing with the yummy skins and what not.

3. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
   humility, a sense of humor, quiet intellect, a little spurt of passion pertaining to something, dark features

4. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
   V, Nessa

5. FAVORITE SUPER POWER?
   Flying

6. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOWS?
   Ooooh my goodness, here goes… House, Scrubs, LOST, 30 Rock, The Office, Hell’s Kitchen, Bleach, Ace of Cakes, Kitchen Nightmares, Dollhouse, Castle, The Simpsons, Family Guy, Weeds, The Chopping Block, Chuck, Cupid, I DID watch the Bachelor (hehe), Daily Show, and Colbert Report

69.WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENEMIES?
Just minimize time you are around them, I think. There’s no way I want to be friends with someone I don’t like.

1. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
   Pumpkin Pie Ripple from Bruster’s

2. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
   Yes

3. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM?
   Sometimes

4. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
   Watching academic earth on my laptop while I eat dinner… BOOYAH!

5. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?
   A town like Amherst MA that is warm year round with good running trails

6. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
   I don’t care

7. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
   Someone running on a treadmill

8. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
   Water with flavor added

9. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
   My mom, briefly

10. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
    Face, demeanor, then hair, then clothing style

11. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
    Exercise and watch TV

12. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
    Hmm… Duke girls that actually match the stereotype

13. FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR?
    North Carolina “Winters”

14. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY?
    Chocolate covered nuts, yogurt covered… anything… Chocolate malt balls…

15. HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND?
    Yes

16. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
    Dark brown

17. EYE COLOR?
    Dark brown

18. SHOE SIZE?
    10, Womens

19. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
    Hmm… Panera… technically it’s pretty fast

20. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
    Panera!!

21. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
    Noooooo

22. WATCH TV TODAY?
    Yes, I watched a piece of a movie called “The Long Run,” a little “Lost” and finished with a show called “Private Practice” that was just… alright.

23. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
    Last day of exams

24. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
    Used to play violin, clarinet, piano

25. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?
    Hmm independent I guess

26. KISSES OR HUGS?
    Hugs

27. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
    One night stand? Are you kidding? Uhhll!! that idea is gross.

28. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
    Edamame!!

29. WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE?
    Heck no

30. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
    None at the moment

31. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE:
    Love life?

Ok, that was potentially a waste of time. Time to study!

Life States

There are three possibilities:

You are either good, trying to get good, or you’ve given up.

If you place yourself in the first and are convinced that you’ve learned and mastered it all, or even just one domain, then you have already proven your ignorance.

If you are in last, then you are in a wonderful position to take chances and try new things.

Most of us fall in the middle, driven by the first, afraid of the last, and that’s what keeps the balance.

48 Things

because I’m bored 😛 Can i graduate already?

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
   Technically, a girl that my parents almost adopted was going to be named Vanessa, because they liked the name, and then I um, happened, which wasn’t supposed to happen. Yeah.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
   Yesterday on my run

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
   It looks like a font, I mostly type everything these days. I didn’t answer the question huh… it’s acceptable.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
   turkey, but I’m not a big fan of lunchmeat generally… its slimy. I prefer cheese.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
   Heck no… that’s a scary idea.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
   Probably not, I’m pretty introverted

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
   Yep

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
   Nope. Those things were HUGE, had them eradicated when I was 9.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
   No way.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
    Anything that I can goldmine

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
    Nope, but I untie them when I put them on. Makes no sense right?

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
    Pumpkin Pie Ripple from Bruster’s

13. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
    If they seem real or made of plastic

14. RED OR PINK?
    both, together, at the same time

15. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOU?
    I’m stubborn, overly-independent, elusive, and anally moral

16. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
    ah, I shouldn”t say.

17. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
    No, it’s pretty much a waste of time. Only if you have time to waste. I’m not actually tagging anyone

18. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
    ha, I’m in my underwear, and no shoes either. Question FAIL

19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
    Car noises on towerview, random door slams, my keyboard

20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
    RED

21. FAVORITE SMELLS?
    Christmas and cold

22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
    Padr

23. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
    sista from another mista 😛

24. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
    none really, maaaybe track and field, and then baseball… watching sports isn’t my thing… what’s the point?

25. HAIR COLOR?
    dark brown

26. EYE COLOR?
    just brown

27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
    Yes

28. FAVORITE FOOD?
    Edamame and chocolate

29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
    Happy endings… FUNNY happy endings

30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
    I think it was called the Therapist or something

31. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
    RED

32. SUMMER OR WINTER?
    Summer

33. HUGS OR KISSES?
    Hugs… I don’t like kisses

34. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
    who cares?

35. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
    repeat

36. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
    a guide to C programming, hehe

37. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
    Mouse pad? Laptops don’t have mousepads. And if I didn’t have a laptop, I’d have a trackball.

38. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
    On TV? On my computer I watch… everything 😛 Yesterday I watched 30 Rock, The Office, and Hell’s Kitchen. and some random movie. Yes, this is the time that replaced playing WoW… too much free time for my own good!!

39. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
    crunchy ice being… crunched

40. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
    Beatles

41. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
    California, Dominican Republic

42. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
    hmm not really, i’m marginally good at a lot of things

43. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
    Charlottesville

44. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
    uhh

45. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
    Ha, that’s a funny one. I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to build myself a robot. I’m going to name him Yod

Two years later, I am grateful

Things that I’m excited about for today

• Morning run
• Learning CPR
• Continuing working on isismapping.org & learning Google Maps API
• Having the entire afternoon free to work

Things that were wonderful about yesterday

• Running into Priyanka at Whole Foods
• Setting up isismapping.org
• This
• Getting a package
• Watching finale of Hell’s Kitchen

Things that make me grateful about today

• 2 year Anniversary, and I still work
• Thank you to my family, and everyone that has always been by my side, even when I’m a goober. I love you!

You're hot then you're cold - that means you're human?

It’s really wonderful to feel like part of a group. it goes along with this fundamental human “need to belong” that one of my psychology Professors, Mark Leary, has been studying for quite some time. However, there seems to be a conflicting dynamic that works with this need to belong that I believe leads to what we observe as a hook up culture. On the one hand, it feels good to feel like part of a group, but on the other hand, it feels terrible to be rejected. There seems to be a difference between inclusion and exclusion. To be included means to be invited to things, share inside jokes, and have a common understanding that you fit well within some social fabric. To be excluded, on the other hand, can be overt or subtle. An overt exclusion is someone going out of their way to send you a strong message that you are different, or don’t belong with the group, or are closer to belonging to an outgroup. A subtle exclusion might be as simple as someone or a group of people that you thought you were close with doing something together and not telling you about it, even if it was spur of the moment and inviting you wouldn’t have been natural. In this case, the exclusion is really more of a perception on your side of the cranium. Regardless of the incentive or reason for exclusion, it makes us feel badly either way. So we generally govern our lives possibly not to take part in every social situation that crosses our paths, but to minimize the chances of being excluded. So I may not want to participate, but I sure as heck want the invite!

What does that mean, on a day to day basis, for how we interact with people? It leads to larger friend groups with more people and weaker connections. It means that when the desire to connect with people comes about, we send a mass group email of the flavor “does anyone want to do X?” as opposed to a personal message to one other person. It means that even if we desire more emotional intimacy with a friend, it’s incredibly hard to pursue because there is the risk of scaring them off with a need, and in the process being more separated from the larger group you are both affiliated with. Thus, it is safer to seek social fulfillment in a larger, more impersonal context than reveal more and take chances on few people. It also means that when those times come around when we do need to talk to that one person, we find ourselves surrounded with many, acquainted with wonderful people, but not quite close enough to be able to call anyone, and ask to stop by for a hug.

I find this on my mind because it’s very apparent to me how many kids here at school work so hard to play it cool. The boy on the bus sits in a certain way, is dressed in a certain way, takes off his glasses in a certain way, to send the message that he is suave, collected, and untouchable. The worker outers at the gym that approach the pullup bar aren’t so much into the pullups but making them a performance of brute strength and muscle to envy. Many of my customers seem to be worried that their choice of lunch for the day sends a particular message about them to me, to their friends, or even the people around them. Even with eye contact, passing someone by, people work so hard to be it all that a huge component of realness is just gone. People speak in cliche’s, use the same expressions and gestures, and hide serious thoughts and emotions behind a facade of their choice, for whatever is appropriate for the situation. Because acting any differently, or maybe doing what you really want to do or something that feels more true to yourself, may not be looked upon favorably by someone. Yes, you might be excluded, so to compensate you do what you perceive as necessary to be most socially accepted. This is where superficiality, or fakeness, grows from.

And I find it tiring. How I love to put energy into others because it makes me feel close to them, and it feels good, but how tiring it is to be just another person included in a mass email. How I wish to get closer to some of my friends, but that’s not possible in a large group of people afraid to bring down their facade. But on the other thing, it’s a nice thing to have superficiality, because there are people that I have no desire to get close to, or know more about, and the established social structure and superficiality allows me to deal with them and move on with my day. It’s just a fact that you can only maintain so many friendships at one time, and it makes sense to maintain the most valuable ones.

It’s probably a good thing that I’m graduating, because I’ve reached a point when the same large group dynamic is getting old. I’m not sure if this is a sign of gaining more maturity or possibly just getting tired of the daily performance of life, but I crave, selfishly, to feel connected to one or two people, that I might trust wholeheartedly and revel in understanding each others strengths, weaknesses, imperfections, and all those things that make human beings interesting and real. News flash, emotions and imperfections doesn’t equate to being weak or a bad friend and does not mean that you will be rejected. Sometimes these things can turn people away, but then I’d argue if the person is uncomfortable with your degree of desire for emotional connectedness, it wasn’t a friendship match in the first place.

I think, for my generation at least, that the current culture works, at least in the life of a busy college student. I do strongly believe, however, that a time will come when many realize that this dynamic isn’t enough for the human heart. That even the most achievement oriented and busy/important/go-getters have moments when meeting a deadline or going to a group dinner could never feed the same hunger that sitting down and talking with one person might. I can speak for myself: I’m incredibly highly traited in the “go-getter” dimension, and sometimes doing that go-getter thing is missing a component of shared investment.

My mind is on this tread of thinking because, for myself, I know that I am terrified of relying on others, and of relinquishing my self sufficiency. I think that my best efforts to maintain a feeling of connectedness with my friends is to do little nice things for them, possibly in fear of losing my social ties I feel good to do these things because it is an assurance of maintaining connection. With this dynamic I can maintain my belongingness without ever sacrificing self sufficiency. But I do realize that, for when a large stressor does hit me unexpectedly, I have not allowed myself to get close enough to anyone to feel OK about calling them for that hug. It’s primarily the Type-A orientedness of my personality that I attribute to this need for self sufficiency, because I feel huge accomplishment and pride in forever doing things early and efficiently. This is what has driven my desire and now natural tendency to wake up early, finish things hugely in advance, and always have backup plans for everything. I believe that as long as life stays away from large tumbles that I’ve had in the past, I have enough insight into myself to maintain smooth sailing. I can’t imagine that I can be hit harder than I already have, so my skin is thick, but I better knock on wood for that one. Be right back.

I can forsee, and know from experience, that life is not predictable, and I know that there will be times when I have questions and can’t think up an answer, or maybe just need some reassurance and a hug, when my self sufficiency just won’t replace someone that cares about me. I’d say that the observation of giving and receiving affection in what I perceive to be my culture has been one of my biggest conflicts in that I desire that same dynamic but feel iffy about applying it to my own life. But with these desires in mind and knowledge about myself and the people I enjoy spending time with, this might help me find those few that I will be able to just show up, and jump on for a hug. Yes, that will be a wonderful connection. Homework time!

My Brother is Amazing!

Here’s why.

Schools that Brother is admitted to:
Brown University
Tufts University (call from the Dean with a scholarship)
Case Western University
Ohio State (with a scholarship too woot)

Interviews at
UPenn
Dartmouth
Harvard
schools in NYC DON’T GO THERE!

Fall Reflections

For the first time in many years, I’ve decided to do something based on wanting to do it, as opposed to doing what others want me to do. I’ve been getting accustomed to pursuing what makes me happy on a daily basis, but for the longest time, unable to apply this thinking when considering the future. It’s taken years of being pulled and stretched to finally be able to do this. And for the first time in my life, I feel what I might call a solid future footing, or an inner peace that completes my sense of self or identity.

A JOURNEY: I’ll describe the path that I’ve taken at Duke to come to this place. It’s been really hard. I’ve been anxious, sad, and confused at times, lost and then under and illusion of guidance. I came here not knowing much about myself other than I was talented at a lot of things, and needed to do a lot of exploration to figure out which talent might further, make me most happy. I’d say that the hardest thing about having what motivational psychologists call a “need for cognition” in the domain of the self, and then being a pretty competent person in many skills is that at some point, breadth must turn to depth. What we commonly forget is that there is a difference between being good at something and being electrified by something. We commonly take a liking to things we are good at because it gives us a high feeling of self efficacy, but it may not define us. Then when we are good at something, and others regard it highly, we force ourselves into areas for the wrong reasons. Hello midlife crisis, or if you never get the insight followed by guts to be true to yourself, consistent unhappiness.

I discovered early on that I was fascinated by people and behavior, and after stomping around in the econ/ public policy puddle I finally made the choice to screw everything else and just study psychology. I perceived this to be a dangerous choice at the time because it didn’t fall in line with any clear career line. As much as I loved the study, I knew (from working at a desk) that I would never be happy in a desk job, and that I just didn’t want to be a psychologist.

Can’t select the right one? Get rid of the wrong ones. During my time at Duke, I’ve largely been trying things to see how much I like them. Sometimes, the easiest way to find what you like is to figure out what you don’t like. Here are some big things that I narrowed down.

BIG THING #1: There is a lot of hoopla and press about this “research” thing. I mean oh my goodness, it’s what every good undergrad does, if you aren’t doing research in your chosen field then- FAIL! I tried strictly literature-digging research, twice actually, and ultimately went insane from working at a desk, and feeling forced to work in one flavor, with not enough creative outlet. It was… BORING! I also encountered many professors and students that think very highly of themselves. Heck, one even fashioned himself into a sort of brand. At first, I was impressed, maybe after talking with him/her once or twice. But what I realized, slowly over time, is that these people weren’t so fun or brilliant, they simply said the same things over and over again, and massaged their egos to some sort of intellectual orgasm. The more I encountered this type of person, the more I felt sick to my stomach, and sure that I never wanted to be like that. It’s much more attractive to be a brilliant force, behind the scene, with a fire fueled by the love of the work or content as opposed to the love of being in the spotlight. Moving on.

BIG THING #2: The next “big thing” that every person at a place like Duke is forced to consider is what I might call this startup bug. It’s the sexiest thing to start your own business, and given the trend, it better have something to do with technology, something mobile, or something green. I had a lot of fun with this path, I must admit, but at the end of the day? My incentives and motives were completely based on the people I was working with, feeling like part of a team and having fun being united by the same goal. We could have been designing a new rubber-band or packaging turds, once the people component turned negative, so did the experience for me. I’m not against entrepreneurship, it is very much a path I could be following maybe 15 years into the future, but it has to be in the right domain.

BIG THING #3: Fall of senior year comes with a lot of “ohmygodI’mabouttograduateIneedaJOB” stress. Hello career fairs, e-recruiting, and submitting a lot of resumes to companies you aren’t sure what the hell you’d be doing. But why did I do it? Because obtaining a tangible job would give me guaranteed future success, stability, and look good to other people. Phew, right? No, not right. In the storm of anxiety I interviewed for consulting and research jobs, even did a case challenge competition, and attended every information session and panel that was available. It was in mid conversation with a partner from Deloitte when I realized, “wow, this guy is a douchebag. Being a consultant might make a lot of money, but when it comes down to it, it’s being a professional @ss kisser. The thought of me being in that job role, again, made me sick to my stomach. I also went to a “women’s dessert event” and realized that I had absolutely nothing in common with these women, and found them a little boring, actually. Later consulting. It is a blessing in disguise that the one job at facebook that I DID interview for, I wasn’t offered. You can ask my friend Sam, before decisions were out, I was hoping that I wouldn’t get the offer to make the choice easier for me.

The social pressures of an institution can be distracting and sometimes louder than your internal voice. What happened is that this stream of exploding seniors made me forget that I would never be happy working at a desk. Once I remembered that (actually when I visited Palo Alto and saw all the little lemmings typety typety at their desks) I was quick to just cancel the rest of the desk jobs I was going to interview for. Doing so would be a waste of BOTH of our time.

Don’t pigeon hole your options for lame reasons: It was after this thought process that I realized that my squirminess with regards to my future wasn’t because I didn’t have something secured. I realized that, had I secured any of those jobs, the squirminess would have gotten worse. I realized that I was anxious and spending hours and hours mindlessly browsing easy opportunities, jobs, and graduate schools because I was severely limiting my options. The best thing for me, what my heart really wanted, I wasn’t even putting out there as an option. This is a disease of Duke: this feeling that, given I went to this school, I have to either get a REALLY GOOD job, pursue some form of graduate study (preferably in something sciencey, if you want to go for something like English or History – FAIL!) or go out and save the world, in a social or teaching sense.

We shuffle towards paths that are most accessible: I think that the majority of kids don’t really know what electrifies them, so it’s easy to latch on to options that are available, and seem do-able. A lot of graduate school (not all, mind you, but a lot) is probably pursued out of prolonging indecision, I think. It’s like, oh @#$%, I’m not really sure about what I want to do, but I can take these pre-reqs for med school, I can study for this test, and I know I can apply, hopefully get in somewhere, and then secure a future with financial and reputation-al prestige and security. I’m not saying that this is true for everyone – I’m sure that there are a group of kids out there that are electrified by the profession of medicine or law. I am just noticing a disproportionately large percentage of the student body that is enrolled along one of these courses, sometimes as a “last minute” decision, other times as a “well I declared it, and now I can’t take it back or people will think I suck,â” or “heck, I’m not sure what else I’d do, this seems OK for now,” thing. Or maybe they really are convinced it’s their calling, and it might be. But once you jump on one of those wagons, Phew, your future is set, and it feels good now. If that’s the case, why aren’t people happier here? Time to make sacrifices now for that lofty future, because you might be happier then, right? On a tangent, we have this idea that given OK health, I am guaranteed a long life, and tomorrow is there. I’m of the mindset that the cancer patient is pretty much on par with you, me, no one is assured of longevity of life, the difference is having an idea about how much time you have left, and in that case, I could make an argument for wanting to be and not wanting to be the cancer patient. Anyway, back to the Duke undergrad. Okay, I’m pre- med! law! If not that, graduate school! research! If not that -must… get… job! beyond that, can I really call myself a Duke graduate? I have this perception that given a certain income, title, or life-path, that will make me happy. Errrm, probably not. I think happiness is more of a personality trait that changes in degree with regards to the situation that you choose, but that’s another bucket of ladybugs.

In the domain of being true to yourself, Duke is a dangerous place. I would say that there is pressure, or even a disease, to be highly successful and achieving in the eyes of others. From the point of being accepted here to constantly being submerged in this murky pool of huge competition and academic arrogance, most of us develop (consciously or unconsciously) a feeling that, given I went to this school, I expect a certain salary, life outcome, certainty of success, once I am released. Also when you are here, if you didn’t already have it from high school, we further develop our fear of failure. I can’t tell you how many of my friends, who have the work ethic and drive to be successful, are terrified of not getting into graduate school, medical school, law school, or even getting a job or having some clear path after graduation. Heck, that’s been me this Fall. Hold up. First of all, there will always be opportunity for you given that you graduate college, let alone a brand name school like Duke. Wrong perspective. Too black and white. If you are unemployed for a year or go out and try something completely crazy, that’s OK. Not being perfect at everything doesn’t switchback to failure, and neither does maintaining some path of career certainty. It is possible to do something and not be perfect or the best and be happy. The problem here is that we perceive “not-complete success” as failure. There is this feeling that if you aren’t making a solid 60-100K upon graduation or are on a path to make more than that, you’re a waste. And if you are electrified by something that doesn’t fit in that box? Better go on salary.com and find a way to make it fit. Sucks!

It’s all so silly, we can smile about that: Guys, do you realize how silly all of this is? It might be me, but once I reached senior year, I started to look around and everyone looked really young. And the way that kids stress, work themselves to the core, and then drink like sailors is just silly. Given that I place a high emphasis on what others think of me, do I really care that much what an 18 year old thinks about my choices? Do I really need to be concerned with how attractive I come across to these gawky self-centered frat boys? Nope! When it comes down to it, every single person here is just that, a person, and in the same boat of being in some stage in the process of self discovery. We’re all sticking our toes in different puddles to test the temperature and are a little confused. This entire campus culture, pressure to succeed, make sacrifices, not be true to yourself, is just so ridiculous. I’m not sure what the administration is up to. No, adding flat screen TVs to unnecessary places doesn’t make people happier, or doing construction to make the campus even more impressive and uncomfortable, sorry!

So in this mindset, I’ve relaxed a lot. I’m not so worried about what other people think that I’m doing, I sort of just do what moves me. It feels wonderful, and it feels free, but getting here was a huge suckfest. I am certain that I’ve been force to deal with things that most don’t even consider until later life. But in order to learn, and in order to grow, you have to survive adversity and make it through challenge. Nothing will ever be learned from a life of safety, privilege, acceptance, and easiness.

The Suckfest: Along this line of self discovery I had three large buckets of bad things poured on me. I had my heart elated and broken, I had three nasty surgeries that made me realize that life was no guarantee, and I had an identity stomp when I stopped running competitively. Let me summarize what I learned.

1) I learned that I have to pursue and put energy into the people, things, activities, and ideas that make me happy, regardless of others, because at the end of the day, the one person I have to report to is myself, and it’s always the case that when I feel anxiety or unhappy about something I haven’t stayed true to myself. What does this mean? It means really following your heart, and not just convincing yourself that you are. It means not changing your style of dress, behavior, or personality to be better liked. It means dropping people from your life that make you feel crappy, and surrounding yourself with people that make you feel good. In terms of my running, it had lost its previous passion because I was running for everyone but myself. As soon as I left the team I gradually re-found the fulfillment that was lost. It’s a little contradictory, but I now run more than I ever have, and I love it.

2) I learned that communication and honesty are always the best policy. It’s a good and a bad thing to have a very thin filter between my mind and my lips, but I figure that anyone who is offended by my thought content and style probably isn’t a good friend match anyway. I also appreciate people who are open and honest with me, who I perceive to be more “real.”

3) I know that I score highly on this personality dimension called the “need to belong.” I am most fulfilled by connecting with people, by making them happy. If you want to make me really happy, make me a part of something you are doing, or come along with me in something I’m doing. If you want to hurt me, do something that alienates me, is dishonest, or manipulative. A few times of hurt, I can forgive and move on, but I know myself well, and there is a certain line of squirminess that people can cross when I feel the automatic necessity to make a social cut.

4) Having someone to love was like this forbidden fruit, that once I lost it, not only was the rejection painful, I wanted it back and felt incomplete without it. I realized through this process that life is most fulfilling when you are whole in yourself, and having something like a relationship isn’t even necessary. It sucks that society sends a prominent message that being single is akin to being incomplete, and that you should want a relationship. I can’t say either way whether I will stumble upon this love thing again, but I am certain that I don’t need it to be happy, and that when and if it comes along, I’ll just know it. And I am of the mindset that I will not change, or feel like I need to, for anyone. And given the pressure from society, the media, it’s pretty common to evaluate the people that are currently in your life and try to pick the best one, and even potentially obsess or force something that isn’t there. DON’T DO IT! I feel like I will either know, it will happen naturally, and if I’m unaware of a potential interest, if the guy in interested enough, he will put in the energy. I’m a strong believer that if the guy doesn’t have the energy or balls to pursue me, he’s probably not interested enough in the first place. Bottom line is that friends are amazing. I will always be socially healthy when I pursue and feed good friendships.

5) Be good to yourself. You won’t always be in good spirits, and you don’t always have to smile. I find it refreshing to be pissed now and then >:P It’s OK to value or fall into your neutral and negative moments as it is your positive. It is in the days of high negative emotion that you need to be better to yourself. I even sometimes go as far as to view myself as another person, and make decisions about how to treat myself based on that. I felt crappy the other morning, so I went to the state park. I’m also a firm believer in doing what you want when you feel like it. I manage my time and work based on this principle: I write papers and do work when I am driven and motivated to, and in that context I am efficient and enjoy it. When I don’t feel like doing something, I stop. Yeah, sometimes things are due and you HAVE to force yourself to do it, and you might not want to. The key in this case is that if you “don’t feel like doing something” consistently enough over time, you probably shouldn’t be pursuing that thing, yo.

Knowing Myself: So, after four+ years, on the journey from an old 17 to a young 22, I know myself pretty well. To be happy, I need moments of people, humor, moments alone, color, music, sweet and salty, and movement. I realize that I started this entry announcing a decision, and you’ve probably read this far hungry to find out what that decision is exactly. It is a far far future goal, based on an activity that energizes me in the present moment, that has been a passion of mine since I was a kid, but I’ve largely abandoned it since coming to college. It is very far from a desk job, puts me in a position of being self directed in my work, and being exposed constantly to creative output, color, music, and connecting with people. It fits well with my personality, emotional character, and motivational structure. It let’s me wake up with the sun, and engage in a daily routine that I find fulfilling, that I wouldn’t even consider work, but more just living. If you haven’t guessed by now, and can’t tell by now, I’m not going to tell you. It’s not technically a set profession, just a theme really. You can ask me in person. I can tell you that it offers no clear path, not very high salaries, but that I’ve never felt so excited about something in my life, and I’m going to work really hard at it, and be the best that I can be. I’ve finally mustered the guts to follow my heart, and the feeling is full, beautiful, and like the euphoric high after a run. It’s been scratching at my mental cat door for quite some time, gosh, took me long enough to remove the kitty blocker.

Incentive Barriers

I’ve been thinking a lot about how environment is directly related to action. I think that we are in less control of our behavior than we think, and that most of our action is us simply responding to our environment. No, I’m not going to globally say that free choice is an illusion, but it’s twanged back and forth by a lot of external rubber bands. There are activities that we might do and find very fulfilling, but little hurdles might get in the way of those things. The interesting thing is that environment can be set up in a way that we aren’t even aware of the hurdles, or what is behind them.

Let’s call these not so lovely lumps Incentive Barriers: small things in our environment, whether consciously chosen by the individual or whoever has altered the environment, that are a disincentive for behavior. An incentive barrier is a small “hurdle” that prevents us from engaging in a behavior or activity that might be very rewarding. It is a blockade to the “catalyst.” I think that identifying these barriers and sanding them down a bit might lead to a more fulfilling daily existence.

This idea might best be explained through examples. These are some I’ve taken notice of, and I’m sure you could think of some of your own!

Bike Rides and Stairways: I love riding my bike. At Amherst I lived on a first floor dorm and went for a ride every day. I went on a long solo trip this past Fall, and excitedly brought my bike to Duke. I’ve taken maybe a handful of rides, for the entirety of my stay here. Why is that?

• Time? Heck no, I always have at least a few hours in the day that I fill with nonsense that I enjoy Plus, things that I want to do, I make time for.

• Riding Conditions?: Slightly yes. There isn’t as easy access to biking routes here as there was at Amherst, but what is most telling to me is that once I’ve gotten out there, I’ve enjoyed it immensely, and always wondered what was bringing down the frequency of my getting out.

• The real answer: Is so small, and so simple. The annoyance of carrying my bike down the stairs, or through a door, is enough to not go on rides at all. It’s not so much the lifting, but the turning of corners, and having to hold the door while lifting it up stairs and into a small space. It seems silly doesn’t it? But I dreaded that tiny part of the process so much, that it was a barrier to doing it all together. And I was so concerned about pieces of my bike getting stolen that I wasn’t too keen on locking it up outside. Funny how in an attempt to protect my property, I wind up not enjoying its use at all.

What do I learn from this?

I can make changes in my environment to break down this incentive barrier. On a large scale, what I’ve learned is that wherever I live, I want easy access to biking places, and if I don’t live on a first floor, I want a garage or a safe place to store a bike for which it is also easy to take it out. For next semester, given that I live on the third floor, it means sucking it up and putting my bike out on a rack, and getting all the right locks and such to make myself feel better about it being “insecure.” It’s about balancing the joy I get from my rides with the risk of my bike being tampered with. What is the monetary value that I place on the joy of one ride, and what might it cost to replace a seat? a wheel?

Convenience Eating up Experience:

A lot of little things in life that are “easier” or “more convenient,” that mentally seem light a great idea, might actually eat away at life experience. For example, I would call the Duke buses an incentive barrier from walking through the gardens, or possibly biking or trotting over to central or west campus. When you either are forced to or force yourself to do it, and it isn’t a regular part of your life, it’s usually a very beautiful walk. But since the buses are – there – and the most logical way to get from point A to point B, the other options don’t even come to mind. And how can a busy student justify taking extra time to not be productive and just walk?

When I come back to my apartment and my laptop is open the ease of connectivity or “communicate” with people online makes the alternative not happen. How about having a computer, and internet/email, period? Take that ease a step further with an iphone. It’s so easy, but is it better? When is the last time you wrote a paper letter, delivered it in person, or went to visit a friend to talk over email or AIM (which, thanks to gmail, are one and the same). Remember life when we didn’t have this technology? Is it better now?

What do I learn from this?

Whenever I feel a strong desire to not do something, or a stronger one to engage in a behavior, I ask myself why, and if the reason doesn’t make me squirmy (like no, I’m not going to walk through the gardens at 2:00 in the morning alone, I’d bring a friend to feel more secure) then I might think if there are other ways to “accomplish” the same thing. Then I might pick one of the other alternatives, just to try it out, and compare experience and not “rationality.”

Opportunity: An opportunity is like a leak, or a hole in the fabric of your everyday environment that lets you engage in behavior that might have been harder to do before. Essentially, it is the lowering of a barrier. This is why an open door might be more of an invitation to robbery than a closed one, a dinner date or night out only happens when the invitation or car ride is presented to you, and reading an inspiring book or getting an email about an internship, project, etc, motivates you to engage in it. All of these things are arguably always available to us, but when it is up to us to provide both the thought of doing it, the catalyst, and then the follow through, it’s a lot harder. This is probably why in friend and even work groups you have your “thinkers,” that propose or present the idea, your “engage-ers” that keep the catalyst going until the reaction starts, and then the “do-ers” that jump in, keep the party going and are the ingredients to the entire recipe of experience.

And here are some “decisions” that I mad that were largely reactions to my environment.

Dropped contact lens –> decided that it was a good time to open a new pair

my legs hurt –> time for new shoes

have to go to bathroom –> decide to pack up and leave library

The same goes for moods – someone smiling at me makes me smile –> I feel happy, and then I might attribute it to a choice or something i consciously did.

I have a mental list of these – I’ll hold back from being a dork and including them all, you get the idea!!

The important takeaway is that you might identify and tweak tiny barriers to alter your behavior. And just as there are BARRIERS, there are also TRIGGERS. So create barriers for things you don’t want in your life, because they make you experience what my Dad likes to call a “suckfest,” and knock them down for things that might make you smile. And I think that enough crappy stuff will happen “naturally” to provide that valuable contrast of experience, but it’s OK to be a little selfish and want encourage a life made of more positive puzzle pieces.

For my own life? After making all these observations, and realizing how prominent environment is on everyday behavior, I can imagine that when I make any grand or minuscule choice, I will think hugely about the environment and how I might interact with it on a daily basis. I’ll never take a “dream job” in a nasty city without those running and bike paths, and I’ll cut suckfesters from my life that make me feel crappy. I’ve gotten ahead of myself in mentioning people – you might apply this idea of environment affecting behavior to people as well. People that you choose (or like) to be around have a ginormous impact on your behavior, and consequently, how you view and feel about yourself. For another time.

Mental Disorder: The Mental Booboo Hypothesis

This second semester I took Abnormal Psychology, and spurred my thinking about mental disorder. I would like to propose a new hypothesis for most mental disorder: I think that ALL mental disorder is the result of an inability to adapt quickly enough to change. It is akin to limping when you hurt your leg, it is what you get from a brain in the process of mending itself.

Our brain”s are like muscles, sensitive and reactant to being used and what they are exposed to. When a stress is placed on a muscle or bone that is greater than its capacity to handle it, you get an injury. There is damage, or change in the tissue, that needs time to heal. It doesn”t matter how you get it – the injury might be incurred slowly over time, as an athlete develops a stress fracture, or happen suddenly, like snapping something in half. Ouch. Either way, the healing is a must to “adapt.” And no, we won”t always heal and be exactly the same as before, but the body will fix itself in the best way it knows how, to achieve balance again. Our bodies are really good at that balance thing

It isn”t so surprising that so much of mental disorder occurs in concordance or after change, namely stressful life events, whether positive or negative, or forced changes in behavior. I would say that a lot of disorder comes from a forced change in behavior as a result of a change in life circumstances.

Our body has these systems as ways of telling us that we need to change our behavior to find balance again – it isn”t aware of the resultant behavioral effects on the body – the effects and consequences of change and adaptation, when they are noticeably large, are “mental disorder.” Our body alters us to changes in the environment with things like pain and temperature, reactions to motion, color, and sound, through cravings what food we might need, aversion to things that made us sick, or even when it”s time to sleep and we feel tired. A lot of life is about listening and reacting to the demands of your body, when you think about it. These cues are more somatic and therefore “obvious” than something like a “gut feeling,” which I would argue is just as informationally rich and salient.

So what happens when we have an injury and go against these responses? The injury gets chronic: it doesn”t heal. The same is true for mental illness. From a neurobiological perspective, it”s probably time needed for rewiring. As life demands change, our brains change too to make new connections, and prune ones that aren”t as important anymore. When a life event occurs that demands a change that is too big or fast for us to handle, this is when disorder sets in: when the brain is unable to process the new demand. Perhaps a change might happen so quickly that one area of the brain is fundamentally changed, and then other areas must form new connections or “grow around” that new change.

Why do many current methods of treatment “work”?

So why does something like psychotherapy, or drugs, or even time alleviate disorder? It either helps to speed adaptation, fill in a missing piece, or facilitate connections. Of course it is possible to have instances when the brain has been stressed to a degree that would require extreme time or change to “return to balance” and I think that there are circumstances when the brain simply cannot adapt, and goes into complete dysfunction.

It would be interesting to focus in on specific disorders, and think about them as the brain adapting to some change. I would imagine that different levels of damage require different times, you could perhaps try to study time with relation to each disorder? Treatment might be more about best managing that time, maybe accelerating it with psychotherapy, or encouraging/facilitating connections with medication. The CORE of this treatment might be focused around what caused the damage and how severe it is, how to protect the brain during healing, and ways to best promote recovery.

And then what is balance between “slapping on a bandaid” (so treating symptoms to promote current happiness and ability to exist in society) vs. leaving the brain be and letting it adapt, or tending to underlying injury? How do we deal with the demand for functionality when it might go against healing? It probably depends on the disorder, as I would imagine there might be some that require so much time that it makes most sense to treat those symptoms and focus on the present. That”s a pretty broad and challenging question, and I don”t have an answer.

Mental Disorder: My Equation

Mental disorder is at the core, neuro-biological, and is the body”s inability to adapt to change, or reaction to a change that is too sudden to adapt to. Here is a summation!

Mental disorder = change (in external environment (diathesis) that demands brain to adapt (reward system, stress, etc) at a speed that is TOO fast for the normal creation of neurons, wiring (pruning, growth, etc). Then we are encouraged to act in ways to protect this vulnerability and promote healing.

Diathesis that demands change –> inability to adapt (shock) –> change in behavior cognition to promote healing

or a simplified version

Change –> brain as deer in headlights –> Reaction

What does this mean about our expectation of change?

Expectation might be a good thing. When we EXPECT change, that is almost giving our brains a heads up, to either start adapting early, be better prepared for the shock, or think of ways to avoid it. Expectation can also be dangerous for disorders for which the brain might need a lot more time to heal. For someone with schizophrenia, hope is lost after 1, 2, 5, 10 years, but what if that adaptation just takes a lot longer, yet we place some sort of time expectancy on it, and get our hopes up? The same goes with depression, anxiety, mood, or body image disorder – when we create some sort of expectation around the timing of getting better, that can”t be great for treatment”¦ We attribute a patient waking up from a long coma as a “miracle,” but suggests that our brains can heal, we just have no idea about the timing. Isn”t it the same for mental illness? Think of it as a spectrum of time needed to heal, something like coma on the far extreme right, something like a bad day on the less extreme left side”¦ everything might fall somewhere along that spectrum.

What does this mean for how we view mental disorder?

I”m not sure what to do with this idea, but I think that it has huge implications to change the way that we view mental disorder. I am thinking that my idea can be taken from a public policy standpoint, it might be an idea that can be good because if “spread” it might change the way people think about mental illness and consequently how the mentally ill are treated, thought about, or it could take a more treatment-specific spin.

It could be woven into hypotheses about what the brain looks like “before and after” for specific disorders, or maybe something as simple as the brain”s response to getting hurt, and the timing of that response, and how its correlated with changes in thinking and behavior, and based on that timing, what are the best treatment options/implication for treatment? Or the worlds of public policy and science might make some combined effort: start in the lab, get some results, and use those results to influence public”s perception/idea of mental illness.

Can we err away from words like “crazy,” “psycho” and move towards something a little more sympathic, a little more human? Falling and breaking your hand and going to see Dr. Handsy sure comes with a lot less negative stigma than talking with a “shrink.” It”s just harder to look at any sort of maladaptive behavior in the same way as an injury gushing out blood and rocks. What”s the difference? We give a lot more value to pain that we can see, even though in both cases it is our body”s way of alerting us that something needs healing/adaptation. The funny thing is that in both cases the experience of “crap, something is off” goes on in our heads. At the same time it might make it very easy to “pretend,” and use that for manipulation, and knowing that leads to even more skepticism. How do we distinguish the two?

Where does the negative stigma come to begin with? Many behaviors of those with mental booboos are very noticeable and unacceptable in the eyes of society, and that lack of acceptance only serves to alienate those with mental illness even further.

Final Point – Have compassion for the brain.

Give your noggin a little more flexibility to get hurt, and have more acceptance when it does. In essence, mental illness is less a negative thing, or something being “wrong” with the person, and more a brain booboo that needs time to heal.

Final Tidbit

In honor of my final exam in T-minus 2 hours, I thought that I’d paraphrase something from my textbook. I haven’t opened it in a while, but I wrote this down because it’s the sort of idea I’d latch onto and want to write about it. I’m going to nix the writing this time, so you can enjoy thinking about this yourself.

**

When we have less time ahead of us we tend to place a higher value on emotional intimacy than on learning more about the world.

I’m not sure. Generally, maybe yes? But I’ve observed the complete opposite! Maybe it was just hidden.

Happy final exams! After this final I’m fairly certain I’ll be overwhelmed with the desire to run around the quad in joyful frolick and at the same time really sad that this class is ending. Ah, the richness of emotion.

Sharing My Writing Process

OK, so I’m in the process of writing a final paper, and i thought it would be cool to share how I go about that. Why? I’m curious how my process compares to that of others, part of me wants to act as teacher, and then justify that for those who I have helped, I sometimes know what I’m doing.

Unfortunately I killed my earliest drafts, but we can start with what I have. We had to look at how mental disorder is depicted in the movies. I chose a Beautiful Mind, because it has Russell Crowe, of course

STEP 1: React and Make Connections

1) I made a blank doc that I made and just wrote shizoo down while I was watching, and reacting to what I saw. Then what I did is copy paste my class notes on schizophrenia into that doc, and then pair stuff I saw with the movie with what I learned. Then I created another doc, basically to ramble and put down my ideas, sorta diarrhea of the mind style. I don’t have that original one because it turned into the main paper document (aka I saved over it) but what I did is copy paste stuff from this doc into the idea doc. So when I was done with this step, this particular document (JohnNashMovieNotes) was EMPTY!

STEP 2: Organize your Ramblings

2) I then made a doc that combines my ramblings (mostly my ramblings) with my observations/notes. I started to chunk information into broad categories, and make connections between those categories. The idea is that finding connections gives your paper it’s 1) theme(s) and 2) organization/flow. While I was rambling, certain questions might have popped into my mind, and I would write them down, because investigating them might also lead to the foundation for a paper.

This is essentially the step of clumping ideas together and starting to answer the question what am I writing about anyway, what am i arguing? If you look at this document there is an idea of an outline at the top, and then highlighted yellow categories that might be a good order for that outline. So I essentially said what is my story? and then how am I going to tell it? But if you go beyond the yellow clumps! it’s just TEXT TEXT TEXT! That’s the ramblings.

This is probably the hardest part in writing a paper, when you have a general idea and know what you want to write about, you have some evidence, but no clue in hell-o how to put it all together. The way that I deal with this is by taking those broad yellow categories, (which are each important!) and thinking about how I might connect them. So even before tackling any paper meat, I write some potential transitions, and you’ll see those under the yellow sections. I’ve identified some idea buckets, and I’m just trying to loosely tie some of them together. The next step is organization of the mass of paragraphs and ideas.

STEP 3: Put Rambles in Idea Buckets

3) The next step is going through those broad clumps of ideas, and just plopping them in an order and box that makes sense. So in this step, I’m pairing the plot of the story with what might actually happen. This is when I put what I want to say broadly where I want to say it While I’m doing this I’m refining connections, maybe deciding that one category isn’t in the right spot, and also writing spur of the moment! new ideas even come to me and i say AHA, this needs to be added, and most of the time I even refine my thesis with these new ideas. I say thesis, you ask, where did that come from? I feel that the thesis comes to you as you are making connections, and grows with the paper. For me, it started with something like (the movie ties schizophrenia to brilliance) then I thought about how it shows John as being in control of his treatment, how environment, stress, came into play, and thinking about those things in relation to the paper prompt – the thesis just emerges, really, I couldn’t tell you when! I think it comes early like a bud and matures with the thinking.

In terms of actual process, I literally draw a bold line below my yellow outline, above the mass of words, and start cutting from below and pasting above. When the space below the line is empty, I’m done with this step. You’ll also notice stuff in red, which is either instructions or notes to myself, to remember for the next step.

€“This€“ is a slightly later version of placing ramblings in idea buckets.

STEP 4: Paperize It!

4) The next part is easier. The organization, transitions (flow of ideas) is basically done, now you have to prune and refine. Yes, you have to actually! write the paper! (because a lot of the result of step 3 is just organized ramblings, it isn’t actually paper quality). So I tackle one yellow section at a time, and do the same writing/copy/pasting combo again, but more on a detail level. Now I care how the idea is said, (word choice, sentence structure), having the RIGHT transitions, topic sentences! ALL the details basically. I also check the balance of the introduction and the conclusion, and make sure that everything that’s in the paper is found there. The introduction should provide just the right amount to set up the story but not give everything away, and the conclusion has a little extra oomph at the end to leave the reader satisfied, but possibly create an appetite to ask more questions. So in this step there will also be a lot of deletion (why it went from 12 single spaced to 8 double spaced pages, sans references and title page). Historically (since maybe 2nd grade), my problem has never been meeting the page requirement and needing to write more, I have always been presented with the problem of cutting out what I don’t need. Dude, just look at my blog, you know this about me I only prune when I have to – like for work or academic things, because getting a point across quickly and directly is important! But not for free writing.

When you are sifting through evidence, the decision to include or not is more than just asking is it good? I ask, given the context of what I’m trying to prove or say, does it add nothing? too little? or maybe I’ve already hammered the point, and have enough.

As I finish writing each yellow section, I’ll make it double spaced so it actually LOOKS like a paper. That’s like my little reward for finishing a section

Then you have a first draft. WOOT!! I’ll give it a day to steep, read it over, and make little corrections like I’m reading someone else’s paper. This is also the stage when anyone else might see it, if I want feedback. As my family knows, I usually send it to them, to look for the mispellings and commas that I missed. Honestly, at this point I get lazy and feel like the cost of marginal work outweighs the benefits. Largely, I don’t seek other people reading it. So I do the minimum to finalize it. I’m glad my family, if they get back to me with anything more than a woo!! is pretty chill about editing, otherwise I’d have to do more work.

STEP 5: Make pretty, and print

Then you have a “final” (haha, it’s not actually due yet, as I post this). I just fixed little things, added the citations and correct formatting (title page, references, page numbers), and I’m done. yay. The best part is emailing a copy to, myself, to print via e-print when I need it. Shaaweet!

How does that compare to what you do? It’s not that I plan this out in advance, it just happens and I tried to articulate it this time. Hope it was interesting.

Quickies: gum, cubes, and kicking it in!

Gum + Novelty = Gumovelty! I’m convinced that the most successful gum companies are the best at finding the most cost effective way to consistently release new flavors or make the ones they already have look different. I tend to buy the same trusty gum brands and specific flavors over and over, but AH! a new package! Of course I’ll try it, and when everyone does that? Ca-ching!

Ice cube trays and friendship: we may think that bigger is better in taking some cubes and not having to refill it then and there, but in doing so you turf responsibility for filling it, so the next time someone needs it there is a higher probability of being a few too short. Then the mindset changes from €œI can’t believe (other person) didn’t refill this!€ to €œoh, I used up the cubes, I’m going to do my job and feel good about myself being a good friend and refilling what I used.€ Since a tray is a €œone shot of water fills all€ sort of thing, if it was a smaller size and we just used the whole thing and refilled it every time, that would eliminate turfing filling responsibility, and losing friends.

Theres no way to be human without other people Think about this as you peruse Facebook, inflate your self-importance with every email, and feel so “connected” to everything. The next successful online social network might actually figure out how to really bring people together.

When things start to run out, or we are aware of an “end” point, that’s when we start to ration and appreciate them more. Can’t we say the same about life?

I’ve had some more well thought out ideas on my mind recently, but it’s gotten to that point in the semester when the game switches from us being here to learn and enjoy that – to us being here to be evaluated, and so I’ve been using my time to prepare for that. You could make a metaphor with running – you might love running and training, but the dynamic and how you feel about it completely changes when you know that a race is upon you. Funny thing I find though is that many times I both run faster and enjoy it more in absence of a race.

"Is" tastes a lot sweeter than "will be"

I had an epiphany two nights ago, that almost sent me into whoops, and it was simple. The idea can be articulated broadly, but at the moment I applied it to relationships.

I don’t have to get married, ever. And before you make conclusions and analysis about this, let me explain, because I recognize that’s a pretty dramatic statement to just throw out there. You see, our society places a huge expectation on marriage, and it is generally assumed (by most) that at some point in his/her life there will be wedding bells and the like, when love is found. Society also creates an expectation of relationship, and through movies, TV shows, music, and the general media, glorifies and idealizes the experience of being in love, and the focus of having a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other as part of a high quality life. And in this focus, most importantly, it makes individuals that don’t have that, in the present moment, somehow feel inadequate. I’m not saying that every single person feels inadequate, but I would speculate that the general mindset of the single person is to look for another half, whether proactively or not.

I think this idea was pretty subconscious for me, just in the fact that I always assumed marriage, and that the cognition of never getting married, or never wanting/needing to, never surfaced¦ or let’s think about it differently: completely remove any preference and just think about it like not being aware of one’s relationship status. Even before I had any experience with romantic relationship, I assumed it charging down the track towards me. Can a life be valuable without the societal structure of a marriage? Maybe, maybe not, I’ve never thought about it, I don’t know. It’s less about the answer, (because I don’t think that there is one) and more about the thought itself.

What this assumption of couple-ness did for me, was make me slightly blind to the goodness of my reality. I would go even further to say that it affected the way that I viewed myself. I focused too much on what the opposite sex might think of me, how they might judge my style, my choices and thoughts. It’s not that thinking about this isn’t normal, but I think that the assumption or desire for relationship can make the levels off balance, tint our behavior and decisions, and not always in our favor. It can make us tilt towards cognitions that are more questioning and uncertain and away from ones that are more like this interaction/thing/person is AWESOME. Again, the focus is about valuing and enjoying what is as opposed to what should (and if you are an optimist probably will be) and then we convince ourselves that the happening-of that future moment is contingent upon our awareness of it in the present. It’s largely not, and both experiences are best enjoyed when they are actually happening.

My friend and I talked about these two different experiences like baskets. Each one has its own flavorful, wonderful fruit, each to be enjoyed when the time is upon you, when its right. You run into trouble when you are sitting in one basket, and are focused or thinking about or subconsciously convinced that the fruit in the other basket might be better, and as a consequence you don’t fully appreciate the flavors in the basket that you are sitting in.

Back to me. I exist day-to-day, relishing in things like my endorphined-out runs, coming home after a busy day to my explosion of color where I sleep, and beautiful moments of solitariness when I can sit in my pajamas and lick peanut butter off my fingers and laugh out loud watching Scrubs. I can largely spend my time as I please, work when I feel like it, have moments of altruism, selfishness, social fireworks, and calming silence. I guess the realization came to me that life, today, right now, as I’m writing this, in my present state, is really great, but it’s hard to be aware of that.

So it’s not that I don’t think the fruits in the other basket might taste really great, and I do find it rewarding to indulge my frontal lobe in imagining their succulence, but my main focus should be where I’m sitting. And there isn’t any point in trying to compare the fruits. Think about a thought like running into an interesting person, reading a funny comic, or stepping on a rock tomorrow. It’s not something that we have expectations about, but when it happens, we react to it. The same is true for love, careers, and all that. So when I say I don’t have to get married, that doesn’t imply a decision of shunning holy matrimony, now, at the ever-wise and omniscient age of 21 (note sarcasm). It implies letting it happen, if and when it does. This thought, in its meaning, in its simplicity, is incredibly powerful.

So enjoy it when it comes, but before it does, enjoy the now. Apply that to any domain of life, but it’s best done broadly, I think. Deterring part of your focus to the expectation is like putting a clothes pin on your nostrils as you sit in your basket and munch away at your fruit. Becoming aware of the quality of your life right now is like ridding your nose of that pin, and tasting the present. All of a sudden the ambiguous, unidentifiable fruit explodes in robust tanginess and mysterious sweetness. If you don’t taste your present fruit adequately you may (obviously) never fully enjoy the flavor, or react and jump up and down and discover that you can make juice or wine, and then in reaction to its flavor, lob it at someone passing by so they can try it too.

And for the first time, how the fruit in the other basket might taste, or how we are told it will taste, doesn’t even matter.

Now and later, but more later, really

This is a story about the whens, the thens, and the nows. Although everyone has a little bit of when, then, and now in them (just like how Mini Me suggested in Austin Powers that everyone should try having a little mini in them) I would speculate that specific individuals might err stronger in one type than another. For simplicity’s sake, let’s place each type into one body. Let’s call our future oriented folk the “whens,” our past-focused-people the “thens” and our presently living patriots the “nows.”

How do we measure our characters? I am creating these hypothetical groups based on activity in the reward system (hypothalamus?). When I say present versus future versus past oriented, I am thinking about preferences, and measuring the activity in the reward system when either engaging in something in the present, thinking about engaging in it, or remembering engaging in it. I hypothesize that someone who would classify him or herself as more future/goal oriented or a “planner” might have the greatest activity in their reward center when thinking about something in the future as opposed to remembering doing it or actually doing it in the present.

Let’s call this measure of reward or happiness “woo” points, which is currency I made up in a previous entry. Again, it’s probably not about comparing and finding averages of woo points between individuals, but about looking at the difference between levels within the individual. Person A and Person B might be in completely different galaxies with regard to the scale of their woo points, but have comparable proportions and consequently have similar preferences.

Let’s use our characters to talk about time perception and valuation. How do we think about time? In different ways, I suspect, depending on your reward system and ability to make decisions. How much do we perceive to be in control of our time, and how valid is this belief? I think we all have different units in which we think about time. For me, life exists in daily cycles, and I must milk each day for all that it’s worth. When I run today I have no care for how hard my running today will affect my tomorrow. Perhaps I can change that to 24 hour cycles, because when I goto sleep I do count 6 or 7 fingers to see when my body is going to open its eyes, and what time that is relative to the start of class, when something opens, or when the sun rises. When I have had a completely awful day or am overly hard on myself, I am comforted by the fact that life almost resets when I goto sleep and wake up the next morning. I get another chance when darkness fades, to feel better or do right what seemed so wrong, and its usually the case that I wake up and my big wrong of the previous day seems sort of silly, or that I gave it much more attention than it deserved. But at this point, the wrong is in the past, and I like to think about the future. Let’s talk about our “whens.”

The Whens

The whens indulge in thinking about what might be, and create goals and plans to lead up to those moments. Whens use the past as an experience of lessons, and correlate actions with consequences in an effort to learn to prevent or exacerbate those outcomes. Action and dreaming are done, of course, in the ephemeral present, combined with distraction when a break is needed. How might we apply some scale to the future? There is the near future and the far future, and whens live in both. The present can be a double edged sword because a when might be doing something to increase or work towards far future options, but making choices on a daily basis prunes near future options.

Our whens really like these options, and for things to be open and free. Possibly narrowing down options or taking out choices of things that “might be” could be distressing, and lead to indecisiveness in the present. Deciding upon X or Y is really hard, because if we choose X then we can’t indulge in thinking about the possibility of Y anymore. Matter of fact, in making decisions we decrease overall woo points, and are at a loss. Why? Because being able to dream about both X AND Y might have been more neurochemically rewarding than just X. But this isn’t to say that whens don’t know how to make choices about the future. When those choices are made, the focus simply zooms in, and becomes about the smaller pieces. If we are future oriented, narrowing down future choices might diminish present reward, and that is countered by breaking our decision into component or additional parts to think about. As long as some indulgence is there, the whens have their mental blankie, and it’s all good. But sometimes the dreamed goal could be coming on too fast, and in this case, time becomes an enemy.

Time could be a hard thing for our whens. If you live in a future dream and are convinced that you must be X,Y,and Z within this constrained time to get to the moment you glamorize, you will certainly stress and worry and feel out of control of your time. Whens might set rigid ways in using their time that they deem to best become what they dream to be, and sacrifice present happiness for that future time, justify present discomfort or unhappiness with that future moment. This is when maladaptive beliefs are formed, and maintained, and they are largely unconscious. I think that these beliefs can be applied to any domain, and largely, have the same structure. A when might think something like “In order to achieve (this future outcome) I must (do this and sacrifice this) in the present” In strictly adhering to the “do this” part, our whens never try anything differently, and never learn that they might be able to accomplish the same things without sacrificing as much present happiness. On a larger scale, our whens never think about the idea that the future moment of fulfillment may never be realized, because it will always be just that, in the future. Even broader, in getting so consumed with this goal, the whens never introspect and figure out what really fulfills them, makes them happy, as human beings.

But putting a fork in this steam powered cycle would require one of two things. Either making the choice to marginally ease up on the rigid beliefs and see that the craved future is still there, yet present life is remarkably improved, or having something big and obvious happen that is like a red flag for our whens to stop, and look up. Hopefully, our whens learn that most of life, and wellbeing, is a choice, and that it is possible to maintain a beautiful future moment without sacrificing the present.

The when as€¦

CONSUMER Let’s think about buying something. Whens buying patterns might be based on a future outlook. Other than the obvious “need” created by marketing/advertising, I think that a lot of purchasing is done based on the unconscious mindset that something available to me right now may not be available at some future point, or not conveniently available. For example, running shorts disguised as skirts are gaining popularity right now, and I’m a huge fan of feeling feminine while being able to escape at any moment. I was excited to think about buying a second black skort, because I reasoned that I wore it so frequently and loved it so much that having another one as backup, for security, made sense. However, before I made the purchase, the thought occurred to me that I didn’t need to prepare for the destruction of my current skirt. It just hadn’t occurred to me that when it happened, the likelihood of being able to get a very similar one, in that present moment, was very high, and that I didn’t currently need the second one. I didn’t buy the skirt. Interesting.

**ROMANTIC **In terms of relationships, if you’ve watched recent TED talks by Helen Fisher you might have noticed the relation to love as an addiction. For the whens, the addiction might be in thinking about the person, in thinking about a beautiful future with the face that we mentally crave. For these future oriented thinkers, when you remove the possibility in the present, that doesn’t eliminate the craving and need for those future moments. This is what leads to one type of heartbreak. But it also leads to a solid base for a long term relationship if the love is mutual. Another double edged sword, or maybe a rose bush metaphor fits better here.

CHRISTMAS!! With regards to any planned event, like a holiday, for example, I would say that the whens get a lot more reward about thinking about the experience of the event as opposed to actually experiencing it. At least that is pretty consistent for me, but this might just be a result of overly magnificent expectations as I indulge in this future moment, and then disappointment when it turns out, as it usually does. But it’s hard to set expectations lower than what you’ve already experienced, so even when you don’t indulge in thinking about the future, it’s a lot harder to be surprised as we adapt to life.

**Overall: **So I didn’t talk about our nows and thens, mostly because I find myself in an environment and culture of whens. I think that the structure of society serves to sort our “whens,” “thens,” and “nows.” if you are a when, you are very good at planning and preparing and acting with regard to the future, so you might do better in school. Thus, is it possible that the top universities are biased towards people that, overall, get more reward in thinking about the future? Could we run a test to determine if “quality” of the school in terms of how hard it is to get in somehow correlates with being future oriented? Then we can take a look at, Duke’s population for example, and break it down even further. Are the kids that enjoy partying, study and do work at the last minute, more present oriented? Are the kids that preoccupy themselves and even sacrifice present happiness for some future goal or moment more future oriented? Do we just throw everyone else that doesn’t plan or party compulsively into the “then” category?

Why did I ask this question? My thinking about time began with a bathroom stall in Sanford. Not in intending to use it, but in (questionably) accidentally finding it. I entered the building after a long run with an itch to re-explore its intricate and confusing architecture of stairs, people pockets, and inappropriately placed swiveling chairs. It seems that after all these years it hasn’t been high on the priority list to replace the print-out bathroom door labels with anything other than an 8.5€³ X 11,” (but at least they got an e-print!) so when I saw the one labeled “Women” on the second floor I figured I might ward off future discomfort by going now, since it was convenient.

Closure is an elusive concept, and it is found in unexpected moments and ways. There are people and events in my life from which I still consciously hunger for closure, and ones that I don’t consciously think about, and then find it anyway. The second I stepped into this second floor bathroom the memory of a day in early February of 2007 flooded my memory. It was here that came after Pub Pol 55D with a pretty strange stomach ache that ultimately was catalyst for a surgery. This moment preceded huge physical and emotional pain, but I hadn’t known that, in that particular section of time. And it was amazing how quickly my mind placed me in that moment of discomfort, confusion, and uncertainty, and how, knowing what I presently knew, it was almost tragic to see my ignorant self about to cross into challenging times. Yet there was no thinking, analysis, or introspection beyond the memory of that feeling. Like the flick of a switch I conquered that moment. And in conquering that moment, I had conquered the entire experience. i had found closure, a feeling of peace and forgiveness towards the experience, almost like I looked the hairy beast from my past in the eyes, and did not avert my gaze. The moment was both powerful and humbling, and now the experience is best represented by the scar that it left. I am forever, visibly marked, but no longer vulnerable to the pain of the experience.

The way in which my brain rewinded to that moment, started my thinking about time. I realized that my mind also has the ability to fast forward to a future moment that I predict will be wonderful, in comparison to what precedes it. Standing on the line at races, or right before an exam, I can mentally fast forward to the time after the race, after the exam, and before I know it, I am there. With regards to a long run, I don’t think about the distance or “what is left,” but instead see myself at the next interesting marker along the way, and then I’m there. But you have to be careful not to fast forward the entirety of life. It’s like a story that I heard as a child of a boy that was given a magical string – tugging the string accelerated time€¦ so when it was spring he wanted it to be fall, when it was fall he again wanted spring, so before long he pulled his entire life away.

I am a “when” that struggles with the insight of a “now.” I don’t talk a lot about how I perceive life and death, and the uncertainty of it all, mostly because I don’t think telling someone about experience is enough to change their life outlook beyond a knowledge perspective. I can tell you that it made me question and challenge my every behavior and thinking, and figure out how to deal with the grinding between my more neurologically wired “when-ness” and forced epiphany of “now-ness.”

It seems to me that for everyone, everyday, regardless of what you believe or are told is the case, life is largely uncertain. Whether your life expectancy is eight or eighty years, both are on par, and you can’t use that expectation to dictate the now. But I love to indulge in my planning, my goals, and making things happen. The best way I’ve dealt with the conflict is to actively pursue balance. There is a certain tipping point when sacrificing present happiness for something in the future makes that future moment not worth it. (And no, I haven’t read that book, and I’m not sure how the author uses that phrase, although a friend is hopefully going to let me borrow it ) I’ve adjusted that point away from this glamorized future moment, because what we do have, to find beauty and fulfillment in, is the present moment, and the larger insight is that for most people that live for the future, well, can you actually get there, and if you do, will you feel how you expected? What keeps me balanced is taking the specificity and expectation out of where “I am going,” and just trusting that it’s going to be good. It allows for learning how to observe and be like those rare “nowers”, who do seem to know quite a lot.

Relaxation: Why is slowing down so hard?

“Being happy isn’t about forgetting the past. It’s about learning from it and discovering ways to have a better future.” Laura King PhD University of Missouri

I’m engrossed in a magazine, right now actually, and I read that quote, and felt like writing. At the beginning of writing this I wasn’t sure what I would be writing about, but after the fact I can tell you that this discussion is about relaxation, what it means, and different ways that we do, and don’t, relax.

This weekend as I was headed down to a conference in Florida, another opportunity I stumbled upon, I couldn’t help but realize that my incentive to go down and just have a fun weekend, see genetically-modified-orange-land and meet interesting people, didn’t feel that way anymore. I was exhausted from a presentation on the Friday, probably a few two many miles, and woke up in the middle of the night with a stummyache, looked in the mirror at very tired eyes, and the question spreading through my thoughts was “Can you sleep in? It sounds like such a beautiful idea”¦ gosh Vanessa, you just flew vertically across the country LAST weekend, and next week you have an exam and many plans made, and at the end of the summer you are travelling to California, New Hampshire, and Baltimore in under 72 hours”¦ and then the Fall semester starts on Monday. You look tired, yet you are thinking about this weekend trip, and your run in 5 hours. And you could, hypothetically, sleep in, but you won’t. Why can’t you just slow down?” What the heck?”

And there was no point in rationalizing it, but I tried anyway, and it was pretty lame, I think I grinned at myself, and then got distracted by making faces in the mirror. It happens But not to get side-tracked”¦ I really don’t know how to relax, at least in big ways. I would argue that I allow myself marginal relaxation over time”¦ closing my eyes on the bus, or lying in the sun, sitting on my bench enjoying my apple, walking through the gardens because I can”¦ but I would call this active relaxing, more mental relaxing as opposed to physical relaxing. I think these two things largely come together, in varying levels”¦ you could think of a Relaxation Gauge being composed of two parallel bars, one for physical relaxation and one for mental.

Complete lack of physical and mental relaxation is probably a fight or flight response, and complete mental and physical relaxation is probably achieved through something like sleep or yoga (although I’m not a huge yogee)

So let’s talk about ways in which people relax. I think it’s safe to categorize relaxation into two types: physical and mental, and within those two types we can talk about external motivation to relax (going to your YOGA class, out to dinner with friends) and internal motivation (collapsing from being tired, getting an injury or sickness). When I put it in those terms, it feels like my own bias is coming in: I largely relax when other people give me incentive to, or when my body and/or mind just push the big red “ABORT” button, something happens so I don’t have a choice.

It’s like I keep moving at the same pace regardless of my responsibility, and if I slow down, I’m not sure what I would do with myself. I just don’t know how to do it”¦ I’d jump on some new idea or project or at a minimum, a new something to watch accompanied by doing something creative all the while maintaining my connection with Gmail

But there is a difference between internal and external responsibilities. Keeping myself occupied with, watching LOST for example, has a certain amount of mindless enjoyment and is probably the extent of my ability to relax, coming just before sleep, which is just being unconscious right? That probably doesn’t count. Creating external business, like scheduling to leave for Florida 30 minutes after the end of a class presentation, arriving late at night, and then reporting to a University dressed in a black suit early the next morning for two days of scheduled meetings, then coming home at the last minute on Sunday to launch into another week of class and work, is different. It pretty much eliminates a lot of the potential for large scale physical and mental relaxation. Schedules do that, I think. I might still get my marginal relaxation in – like sitting on the floor at the airport and staring into nowhere, sleeping on the plane, and going to bed early, but are these tiny tastes enough to maintain a human being?

And after recalling this weekends’ plans, I want to distinguish this busy-ness from stress, because that entire thing sounds pretty stressful. I organize things in a way that, at least from my perception, don’t feel stressful. Back to this weekend trip”¦ all I had to do was walk 100 meters, get on the bus back to my apartment, and wait for my cab to come and drive me to the airport. So no, not a stressful weekend, not to say that stress and busyness don’t commonly go together, but less so for me.

So what does one do in the middle of the night with a delay in going back to sleep? I had a book on my bedside wire bookcase (Target special) under a bunch of inappropriately warm weathered New Hampshire hats, but books don’t talk back, so I woke up my laptop, and went to see which of my college friend crazies were still awake at the wee hours of the morning. Quite a few, actually. You crazies, go to sleep

As one of my special crazies and I chat about people, me mostly telling stories about interactions that I have found fulfilling, I kept my pondering of why I was questioning my “beautifully” planned out weekend on the back-burner. I know this weekend would have had many fulfilling and self-esteem/efficacy boosting components, but my reaction was still “eww.” Why, and how might I act on this cognition? Should I act at all? So I decided that if the ewey-ness lasted into the morning when I woke up again, since it was so novel and demanding attention, I should give it. It might be a strong sign that even if I don’t know how to do so, my body and mind want to slow down. That was pretty exciting to think, actually”¦ step 1 in slowing down”¦ unconscious desire brought into awareness to do it!

So I woke up, and it was still there, and almost as if forcing someone else’s hand to do the dialing, I called the airline, my hotel, the taxi service, and left a message with the company that no, I wouldn’t be there this weekend”¦ but have a good one, Saturday is supposed to be beautiful. And in forcing myself to put a halt on these things, the cognitive squirminess started to grow, and I let it flow in an effort to understand it, maybe ask a lot of wrong and one or two right questions, and hopefully get some insight into why it’s so hard for me to slow down, to relax.

And here we are. All that said, I’m still keeping myself busy with those less external responsibilities, but it’s definitely a step down from what I was originally scheduled to do. And I’m quote excited about my decision, actually, because it has started this new thought process, and I had a few small but incredibly fulfilling interactions that just wouldn’t have happened had I been on an airplane to Daytona Beach. And of course you could say the same about me being there are not here”¦ the butterfly effect right? But that doesn’t matter, because I’m here and not there, but I do understand that we are inclined to look positively on the decisions we made, and at least neutrally about things that we passed over.

It all goes back to that idea of keeping in check with yourself, and taking self compassion to another level of applicability. Not when things go wrong, but when they go right too, knowing when it’s OK to say no to even something that might be really great because it throws you off balance. And speaking from this experience, I suspect that figuring out when you are going off balance is the hardest part.

And here is where you might expect more conclusions, but I can’t comply. I know that I want to have a larger element of slowing down in my life, eventually, and that I will probably benefit from it, but I don’t know how to do it. I know that I’d love to dance, to be able to lie down into beautiful sleep without my body forcing me into it, and to not feel the need to be moving at the same, pretty hectic pace. Uhl. Where to start thinking?

Scheduling physical and or mental relaxation might work to slow down, but my historical data tells me that I won’t do that, at least just for myself.

The biggest force that has even given me any incentive to slow down has always been other people. Different levels of relationships slow me down to different degrees, for example friends provide relaxed dinners and going fun places and good conversation, I love my friends. But the frequency of this is pretty low, despite the high quality of the time. I might amass a gazillion little connections like these to slow me down, but I think that would be spreading one person too thin. I sort of enjoy the level that I have right now, it feels right.

I’ve also been forced to slow down by injury and medical adversity, and although I wouldn’t omit those experiences from my life, they largely sucked, and I’m not looking to have any part of me opened up again. And getting injured is the ultimate emotional poo-fest, because running and feeling strong adds so much positive to my life.

I don’t have any answers for myself, at the moment, beyond people. I’d be interested to know how other people relax, so maybe I can gain insight into myself. The ironic part, the surprising part, is that I’m quite happy being this way, I’m loving life at the moment, despite those tired eyes that look back at me pretty frequently. I think that my future oriented self is sort of hoping that the me in 5 years will have learned and changed and possibly be more insightful than the me of today. The incentive is out there for my life outlook to change drastically in terms of the speed that I move, think, and live, but I just haven’t found the catalyst yet. Perhaps I haven’t asked the right questions, or I haven’t figured out how to ask them, or found someone that influences me to do so. It’s sort of ambiguous, but I am confident that these things come with time.

Until that time, I have to listen to my gut, and keep checks on staying balanced. So onward – give the oxen adequate rations, continue the grueling pace, and let’s ford that approaching river and turn the ox cart into a boat.

To Stokes, and to Apples

I greatly enjoy sitting down on a bench, or if it’s humid outside, a comfortable chair, and enjoying an apple. It’s a couple of minutes to stop moving, to hear the satisfying crunch of teeth into the wet flesh of fruit, and relish the natural sweetness while quietly observing the motion of people around me. Will the apple crumble and fall on my shirt, and taste more like a pear? or have a more pristine, while texture that contrasts the red skin. Those sort of apples seem to have a thicker skin, so there is a slight delay between the moment when my teeth hit the surface to piercing through the papery shell.

Today, I indulged in this moment, and allowed my senses to become hyper-aware of my surroundings. As I was carefully rotating the object of my affections and watching a group of middle aged Sunday Duke tourers pass by, I noticed an older gentleman grinning at me upon approach, continuing to stare, and upon realizing that I was uncomfortably aware of his attention towards me, he smilingly mumbled €œfruit, eh?€

And in my mind I first responded with sarcasm, €œthat’s right, an apple is fruit, you creepy potato chip,€ but then my next mental response to him was €œbut it can’t just be any fruit.€

In this moment I was finishing up the consumption process, after taking care of all of the skin the flesh came next, and then the goal was to not miss the smallest piece, because that would be pretty wasteful. And then a particular face filled in my mind’s canvas. In that moment I realized that every time I sat down to have an apple, exactly at the end, I thought of you ,Stokes, how you carefully showed me many times at track meets or during lunch at school how so many people €œfinished€ apples prematurely, leaving behind so many good bites on the core, and how you could actually eat the entire thing until it was this spindly string of a stem attached to some seeds. And how you had a particularly Stokish way of doing it, and how I love your Stokish ways. And every time that I have an apple, without failure, I think of you. My experience of eating an apple is completely intertwined with experience with you, and with our friendship. Every time I sit down to have this apple experience, I am spending time with my best friend, assuring myself a moment in the day for you, because when distance makes the real you impossible to be with, the mind is a powerful tool for bringing us together.

So here is an ode, to Stokes, and to apples, but if you listened carefully, you would see that it’s really not as much about the apples. I think that we live and breathe particular experiences and rituals to connect us to people and memories that we cherish, and keep a little of the past, or the currently unreachable, in the present. And to Stokes: although I can’t be sure of most things, I want you to know that you can always be assured of our friendship, and that you are important to me, I miss you, and will always be my iso!

€¦and as soon as the apple is maximally consumed, and I make the decision to stand up, find the nearest trash can, and continue the motion of my day, all aspects of the experience end. But that’s not so bad, because I know that I will indulge in a similar moment the next day, but potentially with a new location, and certainly a new apple that won’t reveal itself until the first bite is taken, and most importantly, a quiet moment with my best friend.

Contrast Gives Value to Experience

When you are enjoying something, music, food, company, any experience, sometimes I think it’s less about the quality or experience of the individual thing, and more about the differences and contrasts that give the individual things value relative to one another. This goes back to the idea that you can’t understand something if you aren’t familiar with it’s opposite – bad doesn’t have a lot of meaning without understanding good, hot without cold, etc. I can’t fully appreciate a great friend if I haven’t been treated poorly at some point. You can’t fully appreciate a state of good health because it’s impossible to be aware of things that are absent: you only are aware of how bad a stomach ache is when you have one!

To fully understand any idea and experience the full spectrum of a certain concept you have to have life experience that sets the outer limits of your range of experience. I can imagine that these outer limits vary for different people.. for example, being from New Hampshire, my concept of cold might vary drastically from someone from Florida,.and I would suspect the same is true for hot, but the other way around. The way that we construe the present is a direct reflection of these levels and ranges of experience. So if I have a more complex or larger span of understanding something, it can be a double edged sword, depending in what direction most of your experience has fallen.

If I’ve had a lot of bad stuff happen to me, I might be more resilient when minor bad things happen, or at least have the mindset that €œoh, this isn’t so bad € as opposed to someone that lacks any adversity, and for that individual, the minor scrape can feel like a very traumatic event. On the other hand, I can see how extending your experience of amazing things might set a lot higher expectations and make it a lot harder to reach the upper parts of the range. You sort of have inflation of experience it might take a lot more WOOO dollars (let’s call that the currency of enjoyment) to reach the same level of enjoyment, except the problem is that the WOO dollars that I am receiving from everyday experience remain the same, the cost of the same feeling is just a higher.

So what do we do? Raise the money supply right? Search for different experiences that might pay more WOO dollars to reach those upper limits. Maybe instead of trying to max out our range we should look for experiences with marginal benefit just enough WOO dollars to go over the turning point from negative to positive experience and give us a €œwoohoo!€ but not enough to change the scale. Okay enough poorly articulated Econ, and back to little, tangible things that can be thought about in everyday life.

I’ve always been a big fan of trail mix, mostly because of the variety. My Dad has this super efficient €œtechnique€ of putting everything into his mouth at the same time, minimizing consumption time perhaps, but I’ve always been very particular about the experience of eating. Everything is enjoyed to its fullest potential in its simplest form, but ordered with other things – so I like to isolate flavors, eat one thing at a time, and sometimes combine two things that work well together. For example, when I was a kid I used to stick raisins in the holes of cracklin oat bran and stretch them out so they would swell like grapes, and change the texture, and the taste was amazing, and it was fun putting them together. So what does this have to do with the contrast of experience? You can really experience the wheatiness of the pretzel better if it follows something sweet like chocolate, and the flavor that you like to linger with you is best to be saved for last. I’m not saying that a single high quality item wouldn’t be enjoyed greatly, but even from a biological standpoint, don’t taste buds adapt to types of flavor, making the first bite the tastiest, and making a variety of flavors a more rich experience? Eating, like many life experiences, is filled with ritual, many that we aren’t even aware of. To take this into perspective and apply it to life experience I think that we can appreciate or better enjoy individual experiences and people when we can put them in context or perspective of other ones. This is why relaxing and watching a movie might be enjoyed more following a day filled with work than a day filled with leisure. This might be why we sometimes don’t appreciate a person, or a room-mate, until we meet someone so much worse! This might be why, even though we like routine as human beings, life can get boring without a little bit of change to ensure a spectrum of experience.

I think that as humans we try to maximize the quality of our experience and look for consistent, habitual activities that seem to do that. Is it safe to say that we try and avoid things that might be labeled as unpleasant or bad? I think you only run into trouble when you don’t expose yourself to enough of the BAD, and too much of the good. And if you read Stumbling on Happiness or watched the TED talk by the author, you would see that regardless of what happens, we are inclined to view it in a way that feels good. It seems like a win-win situation. When something you perceive as €œbad€ happens, learning occurs that changes the scale of your experience, so minor bad things don’t seem as bad and little good things seem even better, and we are biologically inclined to look back on said yucky experience and still feel good. Maybe it’s best to do away with labels and expectations, and allow all forms of experience to flow in. Gosh, back to that balance thing! Arrrg!

I’m a pirate 😛

Gobstoppers, and the Flow of Expression

We all express ourselves in different ways: some through creating things that are beautiful, some through reading or writing, some through listening or playing music. These forms of expression might be verifying of our identity, relieve stress, provide fulfillment, or a combination of those things. Whatever they do for us, I think that everyone might have a preferred way of expression that, when they do it, time slips through their fingers like noodles slip off a spoon in soup. When engaged in other things, the musician might move his fingers to the movement of music, or chords on his guitar, or the artist might see an interesting object and have an intense desire to paint it. You might call these passions, but I don’t want to shift my discussion into motivation and goals, which we also like to build around our passions: they are another layer, another flavor on this Gobstopper of human fulfillment. Goals and motivations seem to be relevant to the construct of success/failure and have a quality of expectation, while expression is not, and lacks that expectation.

The easiest way for me to talk about expression is to talk about my own experience. For me, my preferred form of expression is writing: obviously, right? And layered with that is movement and music. What is surprising to me is how much of my life I’ve gone without this insight. So let’ s start off with some questions.

• Is it valuable to know or think about how you like to express yourself? and
• How do I go about figuring it out?

Aka, why should I care, and if I do care, what might I do if I’m not sure?

Is it valuable to know or think about how you like to express yourself?

I would say yes. Feeling like you know yourself intimately, have an idea of what is going on in your head, why you might think certain things or act in a certain way, just feels good. This is all bundled into the rubber-band ball of seeking insight. It’s also nice to know what sort of environments, people, and activities can both be a gas pump for our hearts and a recharger for our mental batteries. Maybe the danger of not knowing, and feeling disconnected and lacking fulfillment is reason enough to think about it. I also think that our preferred methods of expression are not static, and multifaceted, so when you think about it, you might go beyond the broad categories that I’ve mentioned. For example, I enjoy writing while listening to music, always on the computer (because I can’t physically write as fast as I think, and I find that frustrating), and I usually write when I am not with a group of people.) I also find myself speaking how I write sometimes, and one of the biggest reasons that I get lost in my runs is that I am writing in my head. But then you might ask, is it really the writing, or the thinking about certain ideas? Or is it the sharing of those ideas with other people? This is where the idea of expression expands. Possibly there is a core that I might label as €œwriting,€ but all of those little appendages add additional value and make the entire experience more fulfilling for me. So expression isn’t a solitary, definable activity, it is a collection of experiences, maybe even tied to ritual.

How do I go about figuring it out?

It’s easy: just have an epiphany, right? The gooey thing about finding insight into yourself is that I’m not sure how to explain it, predict it, other than to encourage asking questions about yourself, both action and thought. I think that insight comes both with choice and chance. First, with adversity: so a tower crumbles before your eyes and you are forced to deal with the wreckage and then figure out how to build a new one. Why did the first one fall? Should you build the same one again, or do it differently?

We could also make the choice to ask questions about our tower, before it falls or draws anyone’s attention (including our own) and this is a lot harder. On a daily basis this might be asking questions like €œwhy do I enjoy this? Why did I do that?€ €œHow do I feel about this situation, how did I express that feeling, and does the expression and true feeling coincide?€ yeah, that’s really hard, because if my tower is doing it’s job of: being a good tower, why would I bother?

Time to pull out my handy – retrospectoscope! I can describe the clues that have lead me to my own dynamic conclusions over many years, and maybe think about them in a broad sense to help you think about fulfilling expression.

Where did the time go? (Flow) Hours go by without you realizing it.

You think about it when you aren’t doing it. (Mental stimulation) I sometimes write in my head, either to myself or specific people. I have even had a few rare cases of mentally writing an email to someone, and then failing to realize that I never actually wrote or sent it, but somehow I solidified it in my mind so strongly to think that I did. I also might hear a song, and want to move like a wild thing, or get my creativity €œflowing€ by turning up the music.

A sudden intense desire to do it. (Compulsion) Not in the sense of having obsessive compulsive disorder and needing to wash your hands and getting anxious about it, but just really looking forward to it, or maybe even using it as a reward. I know that I get ideas swarming in my head and have a profound desire to get them down. I have to write – and it’s almost a tragedy if I have mentally written something and then misplace it in memory. No, not forgetting! I’m a firm believer that people don’t forget things:we just misplace in memory – because the tiniest stimulus or prime can make us say €œoh yeah!€ and remember.

Rocks do fall out of the sky and hit us in the head! (Unconscious processing) And in complete contradiction to most of what I said, I think it’s safe to say that given time, there is a very high probability that you will become aware of how you like to express yourself. So another strategy is to just place thinking about it on the back burner. That’s right, stop thinking about the layers of the gobstopper, and focus on enjoying the flavors. Mmmm.. delicious!

My Heart Beats to Music

When I hear an uplifting or moving song, I have this intense desire to move, to run, and feel the energy, no matter where I am, or what I am doing.

I find music very moving, and at any given time, I am hypothetically in love with a small number of songs. They are like drugs to me – they sit at the top of my playlist, and hearing them almost gives me an emotional high. I listen to them while I work, and I listen to them while I run, and on the go, I either outwardly or mentally sing them to myself. After some time, however, the songs lose their ability to give me that euphoric high. I still enjoy listening to them, but it’s more rare to get that same feeling of hearing the song and wanting to move, and by this time, I’m usually taken away with new songs. Is this not a lot like love? What is the connection? Do we adapt to different levels or sources of emotion?

A beautiful idea – studied by a professor right here at Duke: have self compassion – so when everything goes wrong, be more kind to yourself. I am inclined to beat myself up, and point the critical hand inward when anything goes wrong. The idea that I might be better to myself, as I might act towards a friend having a bad day, was really awing to me.