Fifteen years you would would think
Is enough to subside the pain
Fifteen years you would think
Is enough for the heart to heal.
But the hole was not filled, and the heart remembers
The memory is not gone, through all these Decembers.

There are certain songs that he hears
That tear him apart inside
There are certain times that he fears
That his younger hopes and dreams were a lie.

He thought he might fall in love again
But the feeling was nevermore.
Can he just be grateful to have found a best friend,
And a deeper companionship than before?

Maybe that’s something greater
That he is truly cared for.
Maybe that is something greater
that he is much better matched than before.

He goes through day after day
Pointing out joy and meaning
As if his mind is to say
That he should not be grieving.

And he realizes it is possible to have a joyful life
Even if he has loved and lost.
It is possible to put on a strong face
At whatever time and cost.

But that’s just what it is,
a constant distraction from the ache
An effort to just pass the time,
With whatever he can make

And maybe we are just complex
And impressionable for a short time.
Maybe these powerful effects.
Happen on a very short line.

He used to listen to this song
That he would find you somehow
But perhaps it was just his long
To find himself by now.

It was cruel what you did,
To take his heart and make it fly
And then cut away sharply
Leaving him alone to cry.

So he lies there at night.
Unable to sleep in his bed.
He dreams sometimes of you and awakes in fright
And writes down senseless thoughts from his head.

Maybe love is not meant for us all
Or maybe finding your best friend is much more
Maybe he has yet to hear it’s call
Or maybe he is better off than before.

Have others that he sees really found the one?
Or do not know the world like he knew?
Does every rise and fall of the sun,
Give them these emotions from bright to dark blue?

He can’t say he knows what is his purpose
But he fills the time to nourish his soul
This crazy life that is a circus
Where progress is just another goal.

What surprises might the future hold?
Do we ever escape from our routine?
What about all that we were told,
Will he only remember love in his dreams?

He loves to have the deepest of sleep
Because sometimes you are there
His dreams, so vivid and deep
So free and without a care.

But maybe it is not you that he misses
But that feeling of his heart racing
The desire for a lovers kiss
A fantasy that we are all chasing.

He suspects another fifteen years will go by,
And he will still wonder what he did wrong
Another twenty will go by,
And aching will be his hearts permanent song.

He didn’t ask to love you forever
He didn’t ask for this pain
He wishes you never made it your endeavor
To find out his name

Why did you love and leave him?
Weeping alone in his hospital bed
Why did you open his eyes to see
And then take back what you said?

When it all becomes too much
He focuses on being grateful for what he has
When there are things to do
There is little time to be sad.

He is so lucky for that
Because to be cared for is a lot
He is lucky to be loved
And hugged when he feels naught.

And when he cannot sleep he tries to unclench his fist
And imagine living on a whim
He goes through the mental list
Of what a good life means to him

Is it selfish to just want one more time
That experience of falling in love?
Is it selfish to want to utter that line,
And feel ones heart strings tug?

It will have to be enough
To not have any of those expected things
Soft candlelight romance
White dress and wedding rings

He can’t stop writing down words
They pour out of him like silenced tears
He can’t stop thinking these words.
They continue to build up in him for years.

He wishes he knew how to let it go
To not find himself in these moments of pain
He wish that he could know
What experiences would help to tame.

A deep breathe in
And then out in rhyme
A second breath in
One more time.

To fill this hole
And replace it with something greater
That might be his only goal
For now and forever later

So here he is, again at 4am
Pouring out his soul in rhyme.
Realizing that he will probably forever mourn
That beautiful, but so short a time.

Knowing that you have fallen in love with someone else,
And it was not a we.
Knowing that time has woven and left these welts
And it could never be.



Suggested Citation:
Sochat, Vanessa. "Fifteen Years." @vsoch (blog), 18 Jul 2021, https://vsoch.github.io/2021/fifteen-years/ (accessed 16 Apr 24).