Warning, this is a satire, and it's rated PG-13! It is based on Green Eggs and Ham and was written entirely for fun. Most phrases were chosen based on rhyming and not any kind of truth. 😉️ - Vanessasaurus

I am Van. I am Van. Van-I-Am!

Do you like clusters and Pam?

I do not like them, Van-I-Am.
I do not like clusters and Pam.
I do not want to shell into a cluster.
I do not want to use luste.
I do not want them for my compute.
I do not want them its done and moot!

Do you like bash?

I do not like bash,
I feel like it’s always about to crash.
I don’t want to deal with an escape or slash
I do not want to create a hash,
or store a container in a cache,
And in fact I want to put it in the trash.

Would you like them in the cloud?

I would not like them in the cloud,
no matter how snazzy or how loud.
I am not monetarily endowed,
nor do I want to render my finances plowed.
No matter how you if’d and’d, or how’d,
Your permissions error says I’m not allowed.

Would you like them with AI?

I would not like them with AI.
I do not think they need to learn to lie.
I would not like them with a brain,
I would not like them to fly a plane,
I do not want them to push to main.
It is too much of a drain,
and a bit more of a pain.

What about machine learning?

I do not want my machines to learn
or the buzzword bullshit to twist and turn
I do not have the yearning,
to feel my computer burning
Or have a conversation with someone about “ML”
Because really it’s something you are trying to sell
and frankly I’d rather go to hell.

Would you like them on a Mac?

I would not like them on a Mac.
I believe in honoring the headphone jack.
I don’t care about your new M1
Because nothing on it can be done.
The only thing that really wants to run
is my patience, which is headed for the sun.

Would you like them in an app?

I would not like them in an app.
I don’t want to install with snap.
Or try your new packaged crap.
Or fall into your nodejs Electron trap.
Please add my crushing cynicism to your mental map.
Because any kind of effort will simply flap.

Would you like them with a bro?

I would not like them with a bro.
Just as much as I’d like to sit naked in the snow.
I do not want him to preach me the laurels of tensorflow,
or how whatever I’m doing is just too slow.
Living in Silicon Valley does not make you know.
But it might leave you in quite a low.
Ruminating about all the lower cost places you could go!

Would you like them here and now?
Would you like them with a cow?

I do not want them here and now.
Or in the future or with a cow.
If a cow learns to compute I’ll be out of work
and writing hateful posts about that dairy jerk
But cheese is delicious who am I kidding?
It’s us who should do the cow’s bidding.

Would you like them with a display?
Would you like them in the month of May?

I do not like them in the cloud.
I do not like them endowed.
I do not like them with AI.
I do not like them however sky high.
I do not like them on a Mac.
I do not like them with a snack.
I do not like them on an app.
I do not like them on a map.
I do not like them with a bro.
I do not like them in the snow.
I do not want them here and now,
I do not want them with a cow.
I do not like clusters and Pam.
I do not like them, Van-I-Am.

Would you ssh from in a box?
Would you ssh while wearing socks?

Not in a box. Not wearing socks.
Not with a display. Not in the month of May.
I do not want them here and now,
I do not want them with a cow.
I do not like clusters and Pam.
I do not like them, Van-I-Am.

Would you? Could you? On a train?

I would not, could not, on a train.
Nor would I consider on a plane.
And don’t ask me about in a car;
I’d sooner drink myself silly at a bar.
I do not want to waste my time,
or edit documents with Sublime.
Why do you pester me?
Why can you not let me be?

Please, just try them once, from your car!
Shell in! Shell in! Here they are.

I do not like them in the cloud.
I do not like them soft or loud.
I do not like them with AI.
I do not like them with pie.
I do not like them on a Mac.
You’re going to give me heart attack!
I do not like them on an app.
I do not like them with a frappe.
A do not like them with a bro.
I do not like them if they glow.
I do not want them here and now,
I do not want them with a sow.
I do not want them in a box.
I would not, could not, on a train.
I would not, could not, on a plane.
Can you see you are driving me insane?
Not from my car! Not from a bar!
I do not like clusters and Pam!
I do not like them, Van-I-Am!

You do not like them. So you say.
Try them! Try them! And you may.
Try them and you may, I don’t play.

Van! If you let me be,
I will try them. You will see.

(… ssh …)

Yes it is confirmed! I do not like clusters and Pam!
I do not! I do not like them, Van-I-Am!

It is so bad, so bad, you see!
I’d rather go off and live in a tree.
A box sounds nice to avoid this screen.
Or a void of endless screams.

Say! I will despise them anywhere!
I do so despise clusters and Pam!
Thank you! Thank you, Van-I-Am.

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Suggested Citation:
Sochat, Vanessa. "Clusters and Pam." @vsoch (blog), 14 Jan 2022, https://vsoch.github.io/2022/clusters-and-pam/ (accessed 28 Nov 22).